Dear Sree: Outlook's Agony Aunt

Dear Shree, I am 48 years old and my husband is 46. We have been together for 15 years. He has never been actively interested in sex, but in the last four years maybe, our sex life has completely become non-existent. He usually sleeps in an adjoining room and he is not even interested in intimate hugs and casual holding hands. He is a recovering alcoholic, and has recently started attending AA meetings. 

Lata Bhateja, Surat

Firstly it is extremely crucial that you try and understand what connection there may be between his losing interest in sex, his refusal to provide affection, and his alcohol problem and abusing his body. Maybe it’s a good idea to accompany him to his AA meetings and also try and find a support group where you can share your thoughts and fears as being a wife of a recovering alcoholic, since there is a lot of social stigma attached to this as well. Also while as a woman and wife you have every right to nurse physical urges, it might be better not to push him too much. Try being patient and support his recovery, rather than burden him with expectations. Once he has been sober for a while, begin to express your own angst and needs without blaming him or fault finding, then ask for something very specific, such as one hug every morning and every evening or maybe a date and dinner night once a month. Setting clear limits for him might create the encouragement he needs. Many men withdraw from sex because they feel inadequate; this maybe true for your husband – especially considering the effect alcohol can have on erectile potency, so he maybe scared that during actual sex he will fail in providing you sexual pleasure. Therefore it is imperative that you encourage having the important conversations about sex, touch, and physical pacifying – perhaps in a therapeutic and safe environment.

Dear Shree, My ex, also the father of my twin sons and me broke up when I was 8 months pregnant. Our relationship after the break up turned very sour. He had a new girlfriend and another baby soon after. Our sons are almost 2 now. He missed his 1st birthday because his then girlfriend wouldn’t allow him to come over to my place. He terrorized me for the past two years. He would break my windows in my car and cut my tires. Recently he got arrested for domestic violence against his girlfriend as well. About a month ago he started calling me 4-10 times a day. I’m a little confused. I don’t know if he’s trying to be with me or if he’s simply leading me on. When I ask all he says is we are building a bond and it takes time to reestablish a strong connect after a bitter breakup. But she still posts pictures on social media saying she misses him. Then the next day she hates him. I’m a little confused. It took me 2 years to regain my own emotional stability and I am not trying to be let down and him go back with her soon again. I want to know if his intentions are sincere or if I am being too emotionally vulnerable?

Divya Chadda, Delhi 

I know you want him to be the perfect dream lover, but he isn’t. He missed his son’s first birthday. He terrorized you for two years. He smashed your car windows, slashed your car tires and was arrested for domestic violence with his current girlfriend. This isn’t a good guy. He’s deeply troubled and he is calling you because he’s probably just bored, probably feeling trapped and you’re allowing him to play you and your precious emotions. I would ask you to shift focus from any relationship with this troubled guy and focus on your own mental and physical health. Aim at being stable and productive and being a stable and financially independent single mom. If you find someone to date who isn’t violent or disrespectful, check out the options  - but from what you’ve described here, this guy is bad news.

I think you’re also probably missing romance in our personal life, so you’re letting him fly under the radar you’d normally use to filter out bad guys. Focus on your loneliness and need for romance by looking for someone healthy to date. But stay clear of this particular loser guy. Maintain strict boundaries and always take legal and police help so that your family is protected, and don’t take his calls unless they’re about your children together. This is tough, but you have to be in charge of your own life, and not let someone else call the shots and humiliate you repeatedly. 

Dear Shree, my husband and I have been together for ten years. Throughout our relationship, he has struggled to reach climax through vaginal intercourse. We worked around this and have had a decently fulfilling sex life. But now we are now trying desperately for a family as I am in my late 30’s, it is causing problems. I have tried many times to talk about it with him and get him to see a doctor, but I have been met with a blank refusal.

Rajni Menon, Cochin 

A sexual impasse can occur even between even happy couples for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, unconscious stimulations can hinder progress. For example, if either you or your husband have an unresolved traumatic childhood issue, it could be an underlying reason to avoid sex that might lead to producing a child – perhaps as an unconscious defense mechanism. And your husband’s defensiveness could be a reason of fear or anger. On the other hand, a lot of men enjoy oral and manual intercourse far more than vaginal intercourse, and for them it is simply mechanics, ease, and a question of a more pleasurable sensation. Also I suggest, without being defensive yourself, try and ascertain what the differences in sensation are for him between oral and manual as opposed to vaginal sex. This will give you a clue to the way forward and help you find a middle path.

Dear Shree,I hadn’t had sex in years before meeting my current partner. I helped her through an abusive situation, but I don’t feel confident enough in my own sexual abilities. I feel as if I will never measure up to the primal alpha male that abused her. I’m not sure I can role-play the kind of things she wants, but we love each other.

 Kamlesh Singh Chauhan, Jabalpur

I am sure your girlfriend is drawn to you because she feels safe with you, that actually makes you the alpha protector. But be wary of this space as it sounds as though her sexual style might lead her to try to push you beyond your limits. Sexual creativity is a healthy thing, but you don’t have to like everything, even if it seems adventurous and your partner asks you to try it. If it’s too much, just practice saying “no”. Consent is critical. Sometimes abuse survivors have a tough time understanding limits and what is consensual, because their own boundaries have been violated and the feel disrespected at a deep level. Stay aware, and listen to your own self-protective inner instinct. And don’t uselessly fret about sexual confidence. It is more important that you have the courage to explore, ask and learn what lends physical pleasure to a partner, and be willing to share your own desires with her freely, sans holding back.

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