Dear Sree: Outlook's Agony Aunt

Dear Shree, I am all for conjugal sex, but if I had to choose between self pleasure and letting my husband do it for me, more often than not, I’m going solo. After nearly 20 years of marriage, I have no reservations about deciding what I want and how I want it in the bedroom, and doing it my way when I can.  My husband and I met when we were 20 and married two years later — so in the early days of our marriage, when we were both young and uninitiated in the ways of good sex, I masturbated privately, always scared to be caught. I didn’t want to hurt my husband’s pride by confessing to him that I never orgasmed during our sex sessions. As soon as my husband would jump out of bed to clean himself in the bathroom, I would quickly and silently shag. A later, my husband caught me red handed and on our anniversary, he gifted me my first dildo. I accepted his gift with elation and the understanding that sexual satisfaction was my own responsibility. Although we never spoke of it, I sort of knew that my husband realized I was unfulfilled. When I reached for the sex toy as soon as he climaxed, he didn’t protest.  But our sex lives are on a loop, the same moves replayed over and over especially after we had two children in quick succession. I have now got hooked onto cyber sex and want to have an affair as I am dead bored in bed.

-Ritika Aggarwal, Delhi

Stagnation in your sex life is normal after so many years of following a set routine with your spouse who sounds so sexually staid and loving, when you are probably yearning for kinky and experimental. Talk to him, and get down and dirty by infusing some life and fun into your otherwise mechanical sex life that should be so much more than dull drudgery and quiet compassion – start with simple things like spicing up foreplay, insisting on creating the right ambience with aphrodisiacs, scented candles, and going to the next level by indulging in role play, some light BDSM, that is based on mutual consent, like using raunchy props, edible underwear and whips and laces. Talk dirty, leave naughty messages on voicemail, plan your sack session and if all else fail – why don’t you opt for sex counseling – go on a holiday sans the kids and try and rediscover the lover in your husband – desire above duty.

Dear Shree, I have a nice, intelligent, funny, caring fiancé. He's the life of every social occasion, and when I’m working late or super stressed at work, he whips up a storm in the kitchen and greets me with a glass of wine. He takes me on impromptu adventures, writes the sweetest thank-you notes to my family and friends, and gives me sexy massage. I’ve done pretty decently with men, but I’ve never cared for someone until I met this man two years ago. So I have a cool boyfriend...and I no longer find him attractive. I’m not sure what happened —the passion is dead and gone! I dread sleeping with him too. I don't want to break up, and I don’t want to break his heart. But I also want to enjoy my love life.

-Sumitra Sena, Pune

When a woman dreads going to bed with a man she loves, there is a serious compatibility and chemistry issue! You will have to firstly think about ways in which to recreate the initial passion that was brought you both of you closer – try and go on dates more frequently where you do fun stuff and also reinstate your hobbies – if there was that one thing you loved doing together – maybe as simple as going for a movie on a weekday night. Retaining the spark after years of companionship is common especially given the fast paced times we live in. However be true to yourself, cheating and going behind one’s partner’s back is hardly the solution to personal fulfillment – if you are truly stifled, set yourself free.

Dear Shree, I work at a high-end hotel, and I have a beautiful manager. At first, she was always willing to help me with any questions. I started bringing flowers from my garden to repay her for her warmth. On her return from a break, I confessed how we missed her and wrote her a card on behalf of the entire team, which she proudly displayed on her board. Over a period of time I sensed she liked me. Every time I came to work, she would tell me how excited she was to see my smile. One night, I sent her a text message saying I missed her. The next day, she told me that she wanted to keep it professional, and that I should not be texting her. This is where it gets strange. The next day I came into work, and instead of my happy, smiling face, I put on a more professional front. She went on a two-week vacation, and when she came back, I didn’t go out of my way to welcome her or leave a card. She started being aloof. I confronted her and asked her out for coffee or lunch so that we could talk freely. She told me that it was not right for her to go out with her colleagues. She took down the card she had pinned to her board and tried avoiding me as much as possible. Since I was feeling uncomfortable, I switched departments. When I gave my two weeks’ notice, she acted like she was cool with it and then slammed the door on me. Looking at all this, do you think she was really interested in me? If so, was she expecting me to take the clues? Or was she just an attention-seeker? It’s been more than a month since I left that job, but I miss her. Now that I am not working for her, should I ask her out?

-Priyam Rathore, Mumbai 

You sound totally confused because at one end, you wonder whether she is interested in you and whether she was leaving romantic clues to decipher, but you’re the one being forward, giving her cards and flowers. You say you sensed that she liked you, but you’re the one who felt forced to text her on a regular work night and tell her you missed her. You’re questioning her actions? I think there is a lot of confusion in your mind and first you need to sort this mess out for yourself. Also, is she single? Have you found that out to begin with? I think that will determine her actions, and also lend you a sense of clarity. Also, frankly while there is no harm in dating a colleague now that you are also in separate teams, you will have to respect a woman’s choices and her right to say no, if she likes you, but isn’t that into you, and does not want to check you romantically.

Dear Shree,my girlfriend is insisting on having a threesome with a bisexual friend of hers, but I’m feeling a little nervous about the whole idea. I’m pretty satisfied with our sex life, and I’m worried that this could somehow scar our relationship or change how she feels about me. But on the other hand, I want to make my girlfriend happy, and hey, it could be fun. How should we approach this?

-Lalit Soni, Amristsar

Nothing is less a turn on, more contrary to the whole point of sexual experimentation, than planning a sexual experiment. Don’t schedule it. Don’t plan it. Just keep an open mind and go with the flow. Hang out with your girlfriend and this woman, and let the group chemistry decide what’s going to happen. It may take a few hangouts though for you all to decide whether you want to push the envelope! It may require a glass or two of red wine! It may not happen at all! But if it does, it should be a thing you settle into, as a group. And in the long run, if you want to make your girlfriend satisfied, you need to acknowledge that your relationship is always changing. You will need to let her know that you’ll at least try to follow it wherever it leads you, even into places you’ve never been.

For further queries, write to Dear Shree at  mydearsree1@gmail.com