Dear Sree: Outlook's Agony Aunt

I had a great relationship with my first serious boyfriend and I was totally and madly in love. He treated me like a princess – and was attentive, loving and everything a woman could ask for. However, after three years together, I got very bored and was occasionally even annoyed by him, sexually and emotionally and I began to feel attracted to another guy. As that attraction didn’t fade, I split up with my boyfriend and it completely broke his heart. And mine, somewhere. But I felt I was making the only decision possible because I wasn’t truly satisfied in the relationship at the time, and used to feel extremely stifled. Staying with the same guy didn’t make sense to me. Six months later, I am still dating the guy I was attracted to. I like him a lot and he’s really wonderful. But I still harbor strong feels towards my ex, who is shattered and hasn’t moved on at all. He told me he still loves me the same way he did, which made me feel terribly guilty and just awful for the way I insensitively dumped him. I do miss him occasionally, and the tenderness with which he used to make love and I can honestly picture a future with him, more than my current boyfriend. Why can’t I let go? Does it mean we are meant to be together if we both feel so passionately about each other six months later? I don’t want to hurt my current boyfriend and be dumping him also, and I am happy when I’m with him. Could I be in love with two people? Does that make me an emotional slut?

Karthika Reddy, Chennai

I think you have to be careful that guilt or a romantic notion of being reunited with your first love isn’t what’s behind this emotional trapeze act you seem to be currently indulging in. Also, love doesn’t just mean excitement of attraction, that heady physical lusting after someone or those butterflies in your tummy that you get when the relationship is still new and infused with the headiness of discovery and fun. And perhaps the thought of going back to him is just as exciting as well, and it might be at first, but you have to think beyond the initial euphoria. Can you sustain it again, because this time around you know the man well enough, and there is likely to be a pattern that you have already seen and been through the highs and lows? You got bored first time round, so you have to ask yourself why that was and, if you go back, how will it be different.

You have to be sure in your own mind because you might break his heart again and this time it will be a sealed deal as you can’t keep hurting someone and then crawling back to them because you can’t make up your own mind. You can’t keep jumping from one to the other. As for your current boyfriend, if you decide he’s not the one, then although it’s not nice to break someone’s heart, you can’t stay with him either and put up a false sense of fulfillment. Let him know how you feel and move on. Take some time out to reflect about what you really want and keep in mind that those first butterflies of love don’t last forever when you’re in a stable relationship – it turns into something deeper and nicer.

I’ve discovered my oldest friend is not the woman I thought she was. Three people have warned me that she routinely back bites and talks about me behind my back, and pokes fun of my husband, children and cooking. I hear that she even has a really mean nickname for me, although no one is prepared to tell me what it is. I’m so upset and disappointed that I’m struggling to cope with her true colors as we go back 20 years, when as young women we met at a MBA programme and hit it off instantly. I went to her wedding in UK and she came to mine here. Our children are great buddies and we’ve carried on socializing and going on holiday together ever since, since she too relocated to India, when my son was two. He’s 19 now. And I 44. But according to people I trust, she believes I’m scatty, gullible and even unhygienic. She says that my kitchen is dirty and that I must be sexless and trapped in a bad marriage. My youngest child (11) is very challenging, and I’ve confided in her a lot about his behavior and my concerns about her. Now to hear that these “secrets” have been used as tittle-tattle shatters my heart. She’s quite a strong, forthright woman herselg and I don’t know how to approach her. I’m frightened as I’ll either lose it or she’ll attempt to tie me up in knots and I’ll end up apologizing to her, as she can be rather dominating herself and opinionated. I daren’t tell my husband any of this because he’ll hit the roof and ask me to cut all ties, as anyway he can’t tolerate her much. But how can I have her in my home again and in my heart when she’s two-faced?

Minisha Chaturvedi, Mumbai

You have to speak to this woman so as to get to the bottom of these rumors that you have been hearing about yourself that she’s allegedly spread. I know the temptation might be to bury your head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening, but you owe it to yourself – and your family – to find out where you stand and also give her a fair chance to explain why she’s been badmouthing you, if she really has, that is. However, create the right ambience for this. Invite her out for a coffee or to a dinner date and explain that you’ve been upset; you have it on good authority that she’s been talking about you and you’d like to know why and what brought on this supposed bitterness. And why is she also dragging up your sex life all of a sudden as that’s a clear breach of trust, just incase you may have confessed the lack of sexual excitement in your bedroom? And if so, why does she continue to pretend that she’s your bestie and double crossing you? Maybe she needs to be reminded that true friends are discreet and loyal and never back stab. Point out that you resent being the butt of her jokes and that you’re very disappointed and feel let down.

I however feel that she’ll try to deny all these accusations; that she’ll accuse others of exaggerating or deliberately trying to create trouble and break the association. But why would three separate people – people you say you trust – take it upon themselves to confide in you? What secret agenda could they possibly have? Maybe you’ll have to ultimately conclude that you and she have become too close and that familiarity has bred contempt.
The irony is that she could actually well be jealous of your life – perhaps your cosy home and loving relationships make her feel inadequate by comparison? Alternatively, it might simply be that she considers herself a superior and takes sadistic pleasure in looking down on you and yours. Either way, none of us need anyone in our lives (or homes) who isn’t supportive, genuine and honest.

Your husband and children rely on you to be strong, so you can’t allow yourself to be brought down by someone who pretends to be a soul sister and then lets you down, in the lowest manner possible. I therefore think you should share this information with your spouse, because you’re a team. Warn him that you’re going to need to look for new best friends in future.

Dear Sree, I split from my husband because he wasn’t much of a lover and I thought I could do better for myself, being completely sex starved and bored stiff. I found him lazy in bed and craved excitement and spice. I’ve since dated a number of men, but can’t find my Mr Perfect. Now I’m beginning to actually worry and fret that I was maybe too hasty and made the biggest mistake of my life by divorcing my spouse who was a sincere, hardworking man. He has gone on to marry someone else and I’m the one stuck in limbo. Is it foolish of me to crave a rocking sex life? I worry that your expectations are too high.

Neelima Chandra, Indore

Of course you should have standards because every woman needs to be desired and sexually satisfied, but remember that sexual relationships have to be worked at, and don’t just happen at the click of your fingers. You can’t sleep with a person and decide he’s a flop based on one or two encounters, because intimacy needs practice. Couples also need to communicate what it is they like and what turns them on in the bedroom, what their fetishes and kinks are, as they should be candid what turns them off completely. Stop looking backwards and concentrate on building love and friendship with the next person you are attracted to. Keep sex off the menu until you both feel a real emotional connection. As for him moving on, maybe he has found the right mix of sex and stability, and perhaps you need to wait in the wings a tad longer till you get lucky and laid!

My partner watches porn all day at home then expects to act out his fantasies on me. I’m really sick of coming home to be confronted by a pumped-up guy with a wicked glint in his eye and a pair of furry handcuffs or a leather whip or a nurse costume, all set to indulge in some kinky role play. We’ve had sex on the stairs, in the garden shed and under the shower. We’ve tried it with me on the washing machine (spin cycle) and him in my clothes, wearing lipstick and lingerie. I am really tired being his sexual plaything. I need normal and tenderness?

Seema Shah, Bangalore

This is all about boundaries and mutual respect. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with kinky sex in different locations around the home as long as it’s mutually acceptable and safe. Talk to him about his behavior and how he is just imposing his fantasies on you, sans your own free will. Also, talk about safe words and teach him that your sexual pleasure and stimulation is as vital as his satisfaction and kinks. Also, BDSM is commonly misunderstood, read more on, maybe watch some videos on it together to break stereotypes and if you have some of your own secret erotic fantasies, unleash them in a free and fair way. Why should boys have all the fun?