Dear Shree: Outlook's Agony Aunt

We are a lesbian couple getting married. Does one of us have to play the groom?

Marriages are supposed to be intimate and sacred, but honestly, the experience is just as stressful as it is for our straight friends. However, there will naturally be some quirks, which are very specific to being a woman marrying a woman, and that too in India, where gay marriage is not legally sanctioned. Also, not only are there two brides, but, two stressful searches for wedding outfits and, of course, two mothers of the bride. Predefined roles for the bride and groom and their respective families at weddings: are totally sexist and old-fashioned. So, play it according to what suits you the best!

However these tips can come in handy at a gay wedding:

Never Say: ‘Which one of you is the bride?’

If it’s a same-sex wedding, you’ll see two brides or two grooms. If it’s an opposite-sex wedding, you’ll see one of each. Don’t assume the couple is choosing to refer to themselves as brides or grooms. They may skip the terminology altogether.

Never Say: ‘So, like, is this a real wedding?’

Whether your particular state happens to call it a ‘civil union,’ a ‘marriage’" or nothing at all is beside the point. It’s a union of two lovers, so respect that, please.

Never Say: ‘When or how are you going to have kids?’

Best to leave this question alone. It’s not an appropriate question for any couple whether gay or straight on their wedding day, and honestly, considering India’s population, it’s frankly good if a couple sit this one out.

Never Say: ‘Oh, why isn’t so-and-so family member here?’

A wedding is a time to celebrate and enjoy the company of those affirming of the couple’s journey, and bringing up missing relatives who may or may not be in favor of the union could be showing too much curiosity and plain hurtful.

Never Say: ‘I’m so excited to get to go to a real gay wedding!!!’

Even though you may be excited, such gay-positive comments like this can be polarizing.
Never Say: ‘Congratulations! I’m so supportive of your sexual preference.’

You wouldn’t congratulate a straight couple on their engagement or wedding and then call out their ‘sexual preference’ in the same breath. So, don’t for a gay couple.

Dear Shree, I am 59. My girlfriend is 49. She cannot take the pill for health reasons, so I wear a condom and most of the time I just fail to have an orgasm with the damn thing. Today, I begged her to try anal sex, that she hates having had a bad past experience. While her feelings are very important for her, the truth is I wish I didn’t have to wear the condom each time we got into the sack.

Most Indian men are averse to using condoms as the general perception is that using condoms will dampen male pleasure, so kudos to you for being so sensitive to your woman’s needs, and actually seeking to be able to sexually gratify her. However, it’s equally important to be able to make the most of your own sexual bliss, so first things first, I would suggest you experiment with the myriad kinds of condoms available these days, as certain types might allow a better sensation for you. But also think of how to add some spontaneity and creatively to your sexual styles. Also while having an orgasm is often seen as the ultimate sexual peak, how about enjoying “her favorite” for some time, before say removing the condom and maybe getting your girlfriend her to bring you to orgasm using her hands or her mouth – with your help and guidance? Also, how about masturbating yourself since it’s well known that hottest sex occurs when teaching, learning and experimentation takes place between partners who ask for what they really need. Watching your partner masturbate is known to be a huge turn on, as nothing arouses better than visual stimulation, so seeing you come, may even get her to loosen up. Most men as they age in any case need more direct genital stimulation, so as a couple you need have to improvise on methods to cater to your particular needs.

My husband and I are ready to start trying for a second child. Can I get pregnant while I am still nursing my 15-month-old son? I’ve heard that breastfeeding serves as “natural birth control.” Is this true?

Well, there is something called the rules of natural child spacing. Breastfeedingcan control ovulation and serve as a form of birth control. When you breastfeed, the same hormones that make milk, called prolactin, also suppress the release of hormones that cause eggs to mature and become fertile and the lining of the womb to nourish fertile eggs. This is why breastfeeding mothers usually notice a delay in the return of their menstrual periods. This delay, called lactational amenorrhea, or LAM, could very well be nature’s way of telling you that a single child is all your body can handle right now, and it’s too soon for a sibling. As a natural method of birth control, LAM's effectiveness rate is as high as 98 % (similar to artificial methods), but do observe the following practices:

Breastfeed frequently
For the level of milk-making hormones to remain high enough to suppress fertility hormones, frequent, unrestricted breastfeeding is needed. So breastfeeding at least every two to three hours during the day, or as often as baby needs.

Night nurse
Since fertility hormones are the highest during the sleeping hours, one has to keep the milk-making hormones that suppress ovulation high at night. Since co-sleeping babies usually breastfeed more frequently during the night, having your nursing baby nestle right next to you during the night is one of the most effective ways to delay fertility. Once your baby starts sleeping through the night, the fertility hormones take over and breastfeeding is no longer likely to lead to natural child spacing. If you plan to train your baby to sleep through the night, your fertility is likely to return soon.

Avoid supplemental bottles and pacifiers. To keep the milk-making hormones high enough to suppress ovulation, all of baby’s sucking must be at the breast.

Delay the introduction of solid foods. Wait until baby is at least 6 months to introduce solid foods, and then make them an addition to, not a substitute for, breastfeeding. The key to nursing and LAM is frequency. Studies reveal that women who practice the above four steps of LAM will average 14 months before their periods and fertility return.

If you are wondering whether or not you are fertile, ask yourself:

Have your periods returned?
If your menstrual periods have returned, breastfeeding is no longer a dependable method of birth control. However, around five % of women ovulate and are fertile even before their first period, which accounts for the occasional breastfeeding mother becoming pregnant even without the onset of a menstrual period.

Is baby nursing less?
Once baby starts naturally spacing out his own feedings, sleeping longer stretches at night, and you increase the amount of solid foods, chances are LAM is no longer effective.

My girlfriend is hooked to her new vibrator and can’t seem to get enough of it, does that mean she’s not that into me?

Don’t jump to the conclusion that your girlfriend is bored by your sexual prowess and looking for alternatives. Because honestly, it’s probably just the opposite—she’s so comfortable and has so much fun in bed with you that she’s keen to mix things up and experiment and perhaps get a little kinky. Also, she’s probably ready to start having mind-blowing orgasms and wants you to be an active part of that, considering that it’s harder for women to orgasm than men. In fact, only about 5 % of women are able to reach orgasm with vaginal intercourse alone. Clitoral stimulation with a finger or tongue can also do the trick, but for many, the intensity of a vibrator is the only way they’re able to climax.

Often, men get anxious that introducing toys into the bedroom will mean she’ll never again be able to reach orgasm minus her silicone friend. This isn’t the case. Many women have a more intense orgasm with a vibrator, though this is not to say you can ever substitute the intimacy and emotion that originates from sex with a partner.

Keep an open mind, using a vibrator as a couple is going to be fun for you, too. According to a recent study, almost 45 % of heterosexual men have used a vibrator in their lives—and enjoyed it. When shopping, start with small bullets just right for stimulating both her clitoris and your penis, or go for toy options made especially for couples, like vibrating cock rings.

For further queries, write to Dear Shree at  mydearsree1@gmail.com