11 August 2014 National The Secret Diary of Shiv Sena MP

Rajan Vichare

Everyone paints the Shiv Sainiks as monsters. Baah! We are simple, kind and gentle folks...
Rajan Vichare
Illustration by Saahil
Rajan Vichare

Everyone paints the Shiv Sainiks as monsters. Baah! We are simple, kind and gentle folks. When fancy restaurants in Delhi reported a shortage of foie gras, we did not complain or agitate. That is not in our nature. Why isn’t the new Maharashtra Sadan in New Delhi named after Shivaji maharaj? We had been insisting that the sadan serve us regularly puran poli, vran baht, usal paav and other Maharashtrian delicacies but who listens to the humble Marathi voice? Then comes the ultimate insult of having to eat stale chapatis. You see, Delhi is an ancient city with lots of historical monuments. Our great leader Uddhavji warned us never to forget this fact. A couple of my MP friends warned me that the chapatis at the Maharashtra Sadan could be the leftover from one of the banquets served on August 15, 1947, and preserved as a historical monument. I did not know what to do with such a chapati and so I forced it down the throat of the sadan employee, Arshad. How should we know that he was a Muslim and was observing some kind of a fast? As a political party, the Sena never believes in fasting, we even laughed at Anna Hazare’s antics. If we could do that to Anna, why should we bother about this Arshad?

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So much about the quality of food at the sadan. In fact, I and the other 10 Sena MPs while attacking Arshad with stale chapatis were only following the clear instructions of our great leaders, the late Balasaheb, Uddhavji and rising star Adityaji. They had made it clear to the Sena rank and file that while plunging into action, we should always use the best and purest materials as our weapons. Let me give some examples. In the school and college campuses in Mumbai, we often punished uncooperative management representatives, principals who refuse to  give our wards admission and teachers who we suspect were guilty of eve-teasing by smearing their faces with ink or tar. Mind you, we always used the best quality ink and tar, as advised by our great leaders. Never second best! Similarly, when we agitated for some noble cause or organised Mumbai bandhs, we use the best quality stones to attack buses, trains and other moving objects.

Shiv Sena leaders are accustomed to the best things in public life. If we want certain things, we go ahead and get them. If the sadan had served us fresh chapatis, it would have been okay with us. We only thrust the chapati into Arshad’s mouth because we thought he looked weak and hungry. The Sena has always had a soft corner for the weak and the hungry. Now you know what happens when we go out of our way to help THEM, which is why we’ve always been saying that they do not deserve any help!

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 [AT] gmail [DOT] com

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