March 31, 2020
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Moving To Gorakhpur With All Guns Blazing

The future is here and the zippies are nowhere. A Republic Day speech to get them crying.

Moving To Gorakhpur With All Guns Blazing
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No more gassing on January 26? For a change, here's a Republic Day speech you can put to some real use. Dude, you are heading for a pretty rough ride, and I'd hate to be in your shoes. Twenty years from now, when you are a parent running a hearth and home, you're gonna be up shit creek, and life will be a living hell. The rate at which stuff is going down the tube, India is an accident simply waiting to happen.

Here are the four major changes that are eventual, and if you are even remotely sensible, you will split the country—like NOW. Migrate to Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, Iraq, Afghanistan, wherever. And if you aren't able to google into a benevolent nation that'll take you in, arm yourself today, so you are better prepared to deal with a macabre tomorrow.

One, corruption will become the order of the day in the rank and file of our army, navy and the air force. The various jawans defending our porous borders, fed on a daily diet of juicy stories creeping in from mera Bharat mahaan—corruption in the government, in the judiciary, in education, in the police, in the railways, in the roadways, in the municipalities, in the hospitals, in the brothels, in the graveyards—will lose whatever little faith they have in the 'motherland', and will demand a pound of flesh for their own selves. And who could blame them? What's the sense in fighting for a nation that's sold its soul? As a result, secret military documents will be, for a small price, leaked to the enemy. Terrorists will be smuggled into the nation in exchange for a few hundred bucks. Women will be randomly picked up from the cities and villages, and merrily raped by the soldiers to soundtracks that have been scored by Nadeem Shravan (the last, minus the soundtrack, is already happening in the lush green lawns of the Buddha Jayanti Park). Confidential files shall be handed over to foreign mercenaries for a night with a prostitute/aspiring Bollywood actress (Tehelka to note: this is no longer a scoop.) So, pal, forget the ppf and gratuity and other such gratuitous investments. Start collecting those assorted weapons. Machine guns, grenades, rocket launchers, spears, knives, paper cutters. Whatever you can lay your hands on, starting today. For, come tomorrow, each 'gentle' man is for his own.

Two, with the unplanned, mindless, insane 'development' that's rapidly taking place in our major cities, where little or no attention is being paid to improve the infrastructure and other basic human necessities (whistle-blowers have been known to get blown off on road projects), where unchecked migration is choking the already meagre resources, where the 5 per cent haves are busy feathering their own nests, and the rest 95 per cent have-nots are dumbly voting in goons and assorted TV housewives into power, there will soon come a time when the metros will go kaboom, and anarchy and mayhem will rename the renamed streets. Where the youth will get beaten and killed for daring to venture into larger cities (we have begun to get a taste of that already, kya?). So the wise thing to do would be to buy yourself a piece of land in Gorakhpur, right away, and be ready to move at a lathi's notice. Of course, make sure you invest in the state you happen to be the 'son of the soil' of. For, very soon, this nation will be renamed the Disunited States of India, and you will have to confine yourselves to your 'motherstate'. And yeah? Don't forget to pack in the guns, bro!

Three, as you would have correctly concluded by now, our nation will turn into a massive, heavy-duty, stress-manufacturing machine. Life would essentially mean living in a desolate gaon, worrying all day and night of being attacked, robbed or raped by the neighbour. And the only way to survive such a dopey existence would be to perpetually be on a high.Stock up on booze and Ecstacy, chief, these two commodities will be in big, big demand later, and therefore very, very expensive.

Finally, and this is the most important one, buy yourself a bagful of condoms, and never, never make out without one. No, this is not about the relatively harmless aids. This is to make sure you don't breed. Because if you do, forty years from now, a teenager will passionately hate you for bringing him/her into a mess deeper than the one that awaits you (if that were possible.)

Jai Hind.


A former editor of The Brief, the writer is an advertising and media professional


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