Society

Lord Of The Twits

An insider’s can’t-miss primer to gaining a 100 followers in just 10 days

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Lord Of The Twits
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How To Glitter On Twitter

  • Be yourself
  • Try not to take things (too) personally
  • Engage with people
  • Humour works
  • Be yourself. But I said that already.

Start with tweets that contain words like “Justin Beiber”, “iPod” and you will find an army of bots (automated spam followers) latching on like ants over a lump of sugar. Bots make the best followers: they swell your numbers, do not snap back at you and adopt the visages of celebrities as profile pictures so that you can delude yourself into thinking, if only for a split second, that Megan Fox is actually following you.

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On the topic of profile pictures, an important tip. If you are a woman, please include a “hot” picture of yourself. It does not have to be revealing (although a little tasteful cleavage can sometimes go a long way), but something that is both seductive as well as mysterious, like an eye or a glistening red lip, framed in shadow. A bare ankle (with anklet) or the back of the neck can do wonders.

And always remember, Photoshop is your friend. As are words.

For your profile description, use words like “bi-curious”, “slut for love”, with lines like “Your mummy won’t like me, your daddy will” and “My job is blowing”. Tweet about that NY-returned banker you met at a Roberto Cavalli event and then went home and made wild love with. Your little stories, by the way, don’t need to be true. Just “smokin’ hawt”.

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For the truly desperate, tweet a picture of yourself in a bikini or in the shower or promise to strip if India wins a cricket... #oh wait, that’s already been done. Well then, how about going the cutie-pie route? Put up a picture of Ayesha Takia as your profile picture and say: “I aM a SweeT gAL”. That, I have been told, also works. If you are a guy, though, please try none of the above, especially not the “slut for love” or the “My job is blowing” bit. If you just must, go with the Takia picture. It seems that remains very effective across the board.

Now listen to this next bit of advice carefully. You must learn how to strategically troll. Remember that in order to get followers fast, one has to first get noticed. And nothing does the job better in the Indian Twittersphere than picking up a fight with a celebrity. Celebrities have lots of followers and egos just as large. Most importantly, some of them fight back at trolls who strike a nerve. The best type of celebrities to focus attention on are B- and C-list Bolly stars (they have the time to respond to tweets and are also touchy about their perceived images), media magnates (same reason) and Twitter stars (stars who are stars for their tweets and that is the sum total of their achievement). If you’re able to really get them angry, these celebrities will re-tweet your tweet so that his/her fans can then come after you. Sure, his/her fans might give you hell. But remember, for every fan the celebrity has, there’s a hater. These will then come and follow you. As will some of the fans. Just to keep a watch on what you say in the future.

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And sometimes a kind word goes further than a biting one. Positive trolling is the art of deliberately massaging celebrity ego—again in the hope of a re-tweet or, if the stars be so aligned, even a follow. A follow from a celebrity! The holy grail for the lay tweeter. But remember, there are a lot of people trying to get into Page 3 good books. Given that, you need to distinguish yourself, which is something you may want to do by: 1) taking on the negative trolls with the enthusiasm of a rabid attack dog; or 2) showering praise on a celebrity at a time when he/she needs it the most (a movie just released or a scam just unearthed).

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When you are tweeting, always, always remember to make extensive use of humour. It can be disarming and can make you look smart and sexy (even if you aren’t). Can’t be funny to save your life? Copy someone else’s tweet and pass it off as your own. Get involved in outrages. Everyday there is digital froth on Twitter over something or the other. Tip: look at trending topics for hints. Once you identify a topic, get suitably furious, and let loose on your keyboard. People love those easily outraged. No wonder the nation adores Arnab Goswami. One last tidbit of advice. Be shameless in asking people to follow you. For more tips on how to boost your follow-ship, follow me at @greatbong.

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Get it now? You have to be just that shameless.

(Arnab Ray is the author of May I Hebb Your Attention Pliss and The Mine. He blogs at http://greatbong.net and tweets from @greatbong)

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