Thank heavens besides being a filmmaker, I also design my own clothes. I am doing it for my visit to London for the Olympic Games where I am a special invitee for the inauguration. Of course, the shaky British PM David Cameron had invited our Dr Manmohan Singh, but my sources in London told me my invitation from the ‘Visit Britain Committee’ was decidedly more prestigious. London is not new to me, a lot of my films were shot there, but to sit with 506 VIP guests in a special box would be great, even if the other 505 VIPs did not know who I am.
This experience will surely give me ideas for new films. One of them could be ‘Bahut Kuch Hota Hain’, a sequel to my hit Kuch Kuch Hota Hain. Since I am in London, I could film a lot of scenes in Oxford University, unlike poor old St Xavier’s College in Mumbai though I may have to rope in Anupam Kher as principal of Ballinthehole College (for Balliol College). The story line is clear, focused on that insufferable brat Anjali from the earlier movie. It must have a basketball theme because everyone in Kuch Kuch... played basketball. Anjali claims basketball was the greatest game in the world. Since my films carry the message of pseudo-patriotism, the hero (a farmer’s son from Punjab) studying for DGG (Diploma in Gobar Gas) will challenge Anjali’s concept while promoting kho-kho as the world’s greatest game. I will shoot dramatic scenes of both basketball and kho-kho matches not only at Oxford but also in Yale, Cambridge, Harvard and Haryana universities. In the kho-kho World Cup final, a star Indian player from the hero’s team is injured. Suddenly full of patriotism, our athletic Anjali disguises herself as a boy, joins the team and helps the country win the trophy! In a tender, soft focus scene with music set by Jatin-Lalit, the farmer’s son realises his star player was none other than Anjali who had once denounced kho-kho.
Sitting in the royal box, I think I’ll toss this idea around among the other guests. Though many of them did not know anything about Hindi films, the theme will appeal to them though it’ll be hard for me to make them differentiate between kho-kho and Coke Coke! They will like the sketches of the short sexy skirts of my basketball team. Since no film of mine will be complete without Shahrukh, he’ll essay a major role, that of the kho-kho team’s coach who also teaches them bhangra dance for better feet coordination.
In the meantime, I’m sure scenes in and around London will keep on giving me ideas for new films. Royal beheadings at the Tower of London, a musical on Shakespeare (played by Shahrukh) shot at Stratford, a sensational murder mystery set in Cambridge solved by a senior Oxford professor of Oceanic Anthropology. Mind-boggling, isn’t it? London Olympics trip? Paisa vasool!
The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com