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'Would You Like To Start With Bat Soup?'

Here’s some truly infectious words and phrases to live by in these troubled times.

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'Would You Like To Start With Bat Soup?'
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Here’s some truly infectious words and phrases to live by in these troubled times.

Co-morbidity: A group of friends with a penchant for gallows humour.

Lockdown: To feel exasperated, claustrophobic and scared. ‘The students felt lockdowned in the maths class.’

Quarantine: A couple not speaking to each other for a few days after a quarrel.

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Social Distancing: Keeping away from Twitter, FB, Insta for a month to prevent the disease called Irrelevant Information.

Mask: Something half the experts in the world believe is the most critical while the other half thinks is utterly useless. ‘Homeopathy, astrology, climate change, Donald Trump, praying are all masks.’

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Wuhan: A place with exotic food. Waiter: ‘Would you like to start with the bat soup?’ Guest: ‘No, I will straight go for the pangolin please.’

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Sanitiser: Very pious, preachy. Teenager caught tip-toing back home at 3 am: ‘Oh, mom, don’t be a sanitizer.’

Flatten the curve: A size-zero supermodel. A middle-aged person furiously working the treadmill. A car mechanic removing a dent.

Hydroxychloroquine or HCQ: Someone who shows great promise but finally disappoints. ‘His first book was a masterpiece but then he turned HCQ’. Or one girl to another: ‘Don’t go by his six-pack abs, he’s an HCQ.’

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Handwash: Boring, routine, dull. ‘He calls himself a chef but frankly his biryani is a handwash.’

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Zoom: Cacophony, incoherence. ‘The RWA meeting started off quietly but soon it was all zoom.’

Vaccine: Something or someone too late in coming. ‘I waited for her in front of the theatre for over an hour but she vaccined on me.’

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Ventilator: From which nobody comes out. ‘His drinking and gambling led him to the ventilator of debt.’

Wet market: It doesn’t sell blankets or dreams. It’s a place where calamity originates. ‘When Krishnamurthy uncle offered to re-pot the plants in the garden, we knew it will turn into a wet market.’

Hazmat suit: A saviour, a protector. As the tiger was about to pounce on the deer, a giraffe appeared on the scene like a knight in a shining hazmat.

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