- Abuse of elderly parents among NRI community in the US is a growing problem
- Parents often find themselves treated as underpaid servants and babysitters
- The burden of caring for ailing parents, differing lifestyles and social values are other sources of friction
- To address the problem, some NRI entrepreneurs are now planning retirement homes for the elderly
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Mrs S, a middle-class widow from small-town India, had lived a sheltered life, her network of relatives and friends ensured she was never lonely. Her son 'Mani' moved to the US and after a few years invited his mother for a visit. The four-month vacation, packed with sightseeing tours, left Mrs S enamoured of the country. A few years later, when Mani, now a new father, asked his mother to move in with him and his family, she didn't think twice. But the initial euphoria of being close to her son and grandchild quickly dissipated.
Jyotsna M. Kalavar, associate professor of Human Development & Family Studies at Penn State University, met Mrs S in the course of her research for her book Asian Indian Elderly in America. She told Jyotsna that "besides caring for the toddler, she was expected to have dinner ready and attend to the laundry chores". Says Jyotsna, "She had no monetary resources and was completely dependent on her son...She felt 'trapped'."
Mrs S's story is not unlike that of many elderly Indians in America. Of these, there are two segments—the '60s immigrants who came as students, worked and are now preparing to retire; and the '80s immigrants, who wrapped up careers in India and moved to America to be near their children and grandchildren. The second group, which traded established, often pampered, lives in India for proximity to their progeny, is more vulnerable to abuse, largely due to their dependence on their children.
Aparna Sen, executive director of Apna Ghar, a domestic violence shelter in Chicago, says the '80s immigrants didn't have marketable skills. They remained house-bound, helping look after their grandchildren and doing daily chores. But now, 20 years later, the grandkids have left home. Having made no effort to assimilate into the mainstream, these people feel isolated and unwanted.
Jyotsna's work with elderly Indians in Maryland, New York and New Jersey has led her to conclude that the problem of domestic abuse of elders among the Indian community in the US is "far more than we may be willing to acknowledge. Unlike child abuse, however, it is grossly underreported".
Shamita Dasgupta of Manavi, a New Jersey-based women's rights organisation, recalls dealing with a woman who had once been a well-known Bollywood actress. Declining to divulge the identity, Shamita says her son and daughter-in-law ended up treating her like a maid. It's a familiar scenario. "In this country, families are geared to be nuclear, which automatically makes extended families out of the norm and therefore, problematic," she adds.
Apart from dependency, problems also arise because of difference in expectations between the wage-earning young couple and their elderly parents. For example, elderly parents-in-law may expect traditional conduct from their working, westernised daughter-in-law, which she might not be willing to fulfil. The elderly may also find the lifestyles of their children and grandchildren unacceptable and thus get into conflict with both generations. Such situations are common. Manavi has worked with women who came to the US to support their daughters but ended up being physically and emotionally abused by their sons-in-law. These instances were often in conjunction with their daughters' abuse by their husbands.
According to Jyotsna, problems also arise because the elders expect their children and grandchildren to become 'translators of American society'. Making a medical appointment, picking up a prescription, visiting a temple—these simple tasks become a 'dependency issue', as the families often live in suburban homes with no easy access to public transportation. Moreover, those who lack medical insurance often live in fear of becoming a financial burden to their family. Shamita contends that as demands for care of the elderly increase, abuse may also increase. "Any long-term ailment places caregivers under serious stress, particularly because affordable help is unavailable in the US. This increases the chances of elder abuse," she says.
But Sam Rao, who has for years been working with the Indian American community in the San Francisco Bay Area, says many older people are also to blame for their situation. "They have inappropriate expectations. They are used to a life of luxury in India, pampered by servants, but when they come here, they find they have to do everything themselves and feel tortured," Sam says.
Says Rajeshwar Prasad of, New York, executive director of the National Indo-American Association for Senior Citizens, "Life here is so busy, the elderly feel isolated. That too is a silent form of abuse." He recalls a woman who felt like a 'prisoner in a golden cage' when her son and daughter-in-law left for work. Cases of physical abuse are less common, but that may be because such cases never come to light, says Rajeshwar.
However, an increasing number of silver citizens are now, for the first time, considering the option of moving to retirement communities. Iggy Ignatius of Bharat Vilas, a community that will cater exclusively to Indian Americans, spent the past year talking to seniors to get a sense of their needs. He lays out the choice for the families—send the parents back to India or have them three to four hours away at Bharat Vilas. But the project is yet to be implemented. Iggy is on the verge of buying land near Orlando, Florida—a location he chose because of the warm climate, plus the fact that Disney World, located here, is a huge incentive to bring the grandkids.
But until such alternatives become readily available to elderly Indians in the US, finding a solution to 'elder abuse' is difficult. Both Shamita and Jyotsna stress the importance of elders maintaining their independence. Jyotsna adds: "Don't sign off your property/savings to offsprings with the expectation that care will be provided subsequently. Build your network of friends, be flexible, willing to learn and adapt. Minimise expectations from the younger generation." Easier said than done for those who have grown up with very different societal and family values than they find themselves facing in the US, in the evening of their lives.