Media Insider Reveals Enron Correspondence

Cherished and dearest of readers, I have a wonderful surprise for one andall. Before I open the Pandora's box upon which I sit --plunging us all into therabbit's hole and through the looking glass --I must confide a secret.

Many people do not know I spent some time working on Capitol Hill inWashington, D.C. I have incriminating photographs of myself standing next tovarious political leaders and wearing a suit without any irony as proof. Afterre-reading Goethe's "Faust" at the end of my power-hungry legislativeassistant internship in the land of the great white father, I decided to avoidthe business of brimstone and work instead as an arts administrator. I stillsold my soul, but for significantly less money.

All of that, however, is not the point. Even though I chose not to work inWashington, D.C., I have maintained several contacts --people burrowed deepwithin the governmental system. My contacts, or "Deeper Throats," as Icall them, have provided me with important information regarding the currentEnron bankruptcy.

Brief pause: Does anyone else find the term "bankruptcy" somewhatinadequate when used in conjunction with the Enron Corporation's complete andtotal financial implosion -- liquidating the personal finances of thousands ofemployees who loved their (CLAP-CLAP-CLAP) deep-in-the-heart-of-Texas employer?Why the categories "confidence scheme" and "moneylaundering" have not been used more widely is somewhat of a mystery. Butthen again, the American Indians were just "relocated" in the 19thcentury, so maybe Enron can as well be "bankrupt."

What my collective of Deeper Throats handed me this week are copies of thesecret "meetings" between Vice President Dick Cheney (I still preferthe term "prime minister" or maybe even Il Duce) and various former,mostly living, executives of the Enron Corporation.

I know it sounds far-fetched that somehow a pesky columnist with an FBI filethe size of Antarctica could somehow receive documents the General AccountingOffice director David M. Walker (a Republican, no less --GO TEAM GO!) is suingin federal court to examine. I know the proverbial numbers don't add up, butsince I use the Florida Method for Computational Certainty, trust me, I have thedocuments.

As a public service, I will now present excerpts from a sampling of thevarious memos, e-mail messages and faxes I received last week from my sources.

Item 1: E-mail Message Sent May 2001.

Recipient: Dick Cheney
Sender: Ken Lay
Subject: Man am I hung over
Message Text:

Mr. President, oops, I mean Dick (HA! HA!), I've got a hangover the size ofTed Kennedy this morning. The boyeeeez in the House and Senate sure know how tokick it! I didn't think Strom was ever going to settle down last night. And thatLieberman --what a comedian!! Too bad he's not the VP (J/K Big Guy).

By the way, I wrote a list of names down on a napkin and gave it to your bossat a weekend barbecue. Make sure he didn't lose it ... I should have given it toLaura. Anyway, just some names/good people to know WHEN THINKING ABOUT ENERGYPOLICIES. I'm not saying these people should be on any REGULATORY COMMISSIONS oranything, because we both know that would potentially be illegal and I know youlove Enron so maybe you want to SELL YOUR STOCK NOW to invest in some othercompanies. Just a thought out of left field. XOXOXO. KL.

Item 2: Excerpt from a Fax sent by Ken Lay atEnron headquarters to the White House, June 2001

Dear President Bush,

I am growing increasingly concerned with the energy crisis in California. Noone likes knowing rolling blackouts are keeping vital electricity fromhospitals, nursing homes and schools. The children, Mr. President, my concernsare for the children of California.

My company has prepared an easy solution for the energy problems ofCalifornia; we call it the "Out of Sight/Out of Mind Contingency." Theplan involves pushing several nuclear power facilities sitting on or near theSan Andreas Fault to critical mass, causing massive core meltdowns that wouldsever California from North America. The entire state would then sink into thePacific Ocean and cease requiring electricity. Our plan is guaranteed to makeour shareholders happy, including YOUR MOTHER, as the nine-hundred-pound gorillathat is California would finally be off our backs.

Please advise when and how the operation should begin. As well, I have takenthe liberty to purchase some LARGE GOURMET PRETZELS for you to EAT whilerelaxing in the White House. Please accept the gift as small token of thanks.The pretzels will begin arriving in the fall ....

Item 3: E-mail memo sent from President Bushto Vice President Cheney on September 10, 2001.

From: W
To: Tricky-Dicky

Hey there Number 2:

Boy oh boy, am I tired of looking at all these notes from Enron. Here's plan#2: We'll take the money from the Social Security Administration and invest itin Enron stock --boy do I love these free markets. Just keep signing the checks;that's what I say.

I'm heading down to Florida for a book reading tomorrow. I love spending timewith the kids --keeps me out of the office. I hope they have a "CuriousGeorge" book at the school. Keep an eye on the shop for me. And I stilldon't know why you said to make sure everyone I knew was away from New Yorktomorrow but you're the "boss." {;)Will do Buckaroo. [:) I do loveflying in Air Force One --sometimes the stewardess gives me the whole can todrink. WHOOPPEE.

--The Big W.

Item 4: Phone message from Ken Lay taken byassistant to Vice President Cheney in a Secure Location, December 2001:

Dick: Call me soon. All the business about insider trading information andoffshore shadow companies being peddled in the LIBERAL MEDIA ESTABLISHMENT isall WRONG. It was all for fakesies, not realsies. Tell Aschcroft to rememberwhose been buttering his bread. And the PRETZELS Dick, make him
eat the PRETZELS. Ken

Item 5:E-mail from Ken Lay to Vice President Cheney,January 2002:

Recipient: Dick Cheney
Sender: Ken Lay
Subject: While I'm out of the office...
Message Text:

Hey there Dick, old buddy, old chum. I'll be leaving for a business tripsoon, very very soon to France. I hear the extradition treaty agreements arelovely over there. Wink-wink. Anyway, I'm outta here until the wholepeople-lost-all-their-money business is done and over with -- Linda and I arebarely squeezing by with our 18 or so properties for sale in Texas and Colorado.

Sorry about the pretzels; we'll try beef jerky next time. I love you like abrother, man, so I would hate to see any of the PRIVLEDGED CONVERSATIONS betweenus go public. Just because YOUR NAME AND PAW PRINTS are all over my companyshould be of little CONCERN. Kenny.

(John Troyer is a columnist for the Daily Minnesotan. He can be reachedat: troy0005@tc.umn.edu)