For Me, She Died Twice...

I owe everything that I am today to my brief association with this magnificent woman. It was my brief relationship with her, that lasted for about two-and-a-half years, that echoed in my film,Arth, which was a semi-autobiographical look at my extramarital relationship withParveen. She was the turning point in my life. After four of my films hadflopped, I shot to prominence when I told the world our story in theautobiographical Arth.

Some people complained that I had exploited Parveen and pushed her over theedge. They forget that she is a part of my memory. I would never portray herirresponsibly. Once Arth released Parveen didn't give a damn about whatthe world thought about her. She had stopped caring about people by then. Themedia unnecessarily made a big thing of it.

Most people do not realise that her breakdown had happened much before Arthwas conceived. In fact, her first mental breakdown was also chronicled in Arth. I have never felt that I exploited that memory. As I have repeatedly said, andtake the opportunity to reiterate, I owe a lot to that wonderful woman. Myrelationship with her gave a kickstart to my professional film career. If I hadnot made Arth, you wouldn't be talking to me. She was a lovely woman,generous and unique.

The reality and the subsequent breakdown of this beautiful woman, right infront of my eyes, was so intense, that I had to exorcise it in some way, andfilm was the best mode. The turbulence and intensity of the time I spent withher is beautifully recorded in the film. I shall always relish the fact that myfirst claim to fame was as Parveen's boyfriend. She remains one of the beaconsof my life. Her generosity, kindness, were unparalleled.

I met her way back in the late 1970s when we were both living dangerously. She had just split with Kabir Bedi and was quite heartbroken.The first thing that I liked about Parveen Babi was her smile, her wit and herintelligence. She was one of the most elegant, well read and generous women I'veknown in my life. I was very close to her, and had a relationship with her from1977 to 1980. For me she was the ultimate glamour girl, the first woman who hadan alternate morality and was never ashamed of the way she lived life.

Parveen and I parted ways when she was diagnosed with schizophrenia.In fact, I had started a film with her, Ab Meri Baari but after 11 reels,I had to shelve the film because couldn't do it anymore. Once the heady days ofwine and roses were over, the scene was scary -- I was high on LSD and she wentthrough a series of nervous breakdowns. I went through trauma and a hell of myown making for two and a half years and all this is reflected in Arth.

I loved Parveen. I was close to her but I couldn't live with a woman who wasa shadow of her real self. When Parveen went through a low, doctors described itas a case of schizophrenia. Parveen's mother who had rushed down to Mumbai,believed that djinns had taken over her daughter's body. Parveen had actuallyinherited schizophrenia from her father.

She represented everything that can go wrong for people who lay down therules of what is right or at least what is desirable.She remained in a fantasyworld, only to re-emerge later with paranoia. I knew she went to the USA fortreatment in the 80s but by then I didn't care. She was a closed chapter in mylife and I couldn't keep thinking about her. We hadn’t been in touch for the last 15 years. I remember, the last time I saw her was at a bookshop in Holiday Inn when the Gulf War was on. We didn’t even say hello to each other.She had become a completely different personality.

For me, Parveen died twice—the first time when she had her first mentalbreakdown and was with me -- the personality I had known completely collapsed,like a house of cards. And now, the second time, with her physical death. Iwould like to remember her as the girl who brought Bollywood to the cover of Timemagazine and who died an anonymous death. She made the choice. She was a generous and giving person, a people’s person and was filled with a true joie de vivre. She never deluded herself into thinking that she was a great actress. But yes, she was an extremely hardworking actress.She was a rebel who lived life on her own terms, died on her own terms.

(As told to various news agencies and live TV interviews)