Dear Sree: Outlook's Agony Aunt

Dear Shree, I am a man in my late 30s with no health problems and a healthy mind and body, but although I can reach orgasm through masturbation, I am just not able to climax during vaginal sex. What can I do? 

Raja Biswas, Kolkata

The most critical thing for you is to understand and evaluate as to what is the main reason for your orgasmic challenge. As in, is performance anxiety one of the reasons you cannot climax naturally and easily? Is the masturbation style you have developed complex and does not translate into good sex when you are actually in the act? Is there something about vaginal intercourse that is putting off – maybe at a deeper emotional level? Doing this important self-analysis will help you to find a solution. For example, if you think you need more friction, you could hold yourself tightly at the base of your penis – or teach a partner to participate. Or you could increase the levels of foreplay so that you are enjoying the stimulation, or maybe explore other styles of penetration or stroking. Incase you think it is a psychological distaste that you harbor for vaginal penetration, seek some psychosexual therapy, that will help restore your interest.

Dear Shree, I dated a guy for a year. We have a super connection. Admittedly, I think we both took things too fast, which is why the relationship ended the way it did. Two months ago we split. It was my decision to do so, because he had done something I’d asked him/warned him not to do, and I caught him doing it a second time. Since the breakup and after six weeks of almost zero contact, we chatted. I had confessed recently that despite what he had done, I still nursed strong feelings for him, and asked if he wanted to try to work things out. He said he missed a lot of things about us. ‘I cannot stop thinking about the sex,’ he went on, descriptively naming the things he missed about me, my body and our sex life. I too miss him a lot and the sex was awesome, so I told him that if that’s all we could do, then I was down with it. But the more I think about it, the more terrified I am to go through with it. I want a real relationship and I believe that he does long for me. He’s just unable to commit right now. Keeping my self-worth and hope in mind, what is the best thing for me to do? Do I sleep with him? I should make it clear we haven’t slept together since we broke up. I have been holding out thus far. If a relationship is what I want with him, what is the absolute best way for me to play my cards? Is it okay for me to tell him I’ve changed my mind about a strictly sexual relationship because my feelings for him are very strong? Will that better the chances of him pursuing the chase?

 Sujata Verma, Delhi

You broke up with him. That should have been the end of the road, quite frankly. You warned him and you caught him twice. If he cared about you, he wouldn’t have risked losing you. He thinks you aren’t worthy of respect, so much so he even told you so. He told you he would only be willing to get together if you okay to perform specific sex acts he is interested in. He doesn't treat you like a person. He treats you like an object. But instead of hanging up on him, you agreed to come back to him literally on your knees. You think he crumbles when he sees you in person, but he’s not seeing you, he is just treating you as an easy lay. Our sexual energy is the least of who we are. It can disappear in an instant. What you are yearning for is the thing, the one word, which does not appear in your letter. Love. How do you find your right one when you refuse to listen when this man unequivocally tells you, you are not his right one?

Dear Shree, some years ago I dated a woman from a different country who I met on a vacation and who learned she was pregnant by another man. I stuck with her and raised the child as my son. When the boy was six, this woman decided she didn’t want to be with me anymore and left for home, on the other side of the world. I tried keeping in contact with the boy and visited, though it burnt a hole in my pocket.  I also pay maintenance and try to ‘do the right thing’ by my son. The problem is I often feel I’ve been taken for a ride. My friends and family also keep saying that I am used, and abused that naturally leaves me feeling very, very angry. Also, when I go to visit my son, she shows no remorse or truly apologized for what she did to me and to him. Give me advice on how to get over this, get past the anger, and make a life for myself again.

Bhupendra Patel, Ahmedabad 

The first thing you need to understand in your situation is the part played by duty. It says you have an obligation to be a father to the boy. The second thing you will have to confront is fear. It says you cannot be the kind of man who deserts a child. And the third, is that you are wanting to get back to this woman. As a good-natured person, if you harmed another, you would repeatedly say you are sorry, or you would avoid the other person altogether. But self-centered people don’t think that way. They think in terms of advantage to themselves. When good people stay connected to selfish people, they turn their feelings inward and feel bad about themselves. You did not take a father away from the boy; she did. And she did it twice, once with a birth father and once with a boyfriend father. You ask why you can’t get over your anger, but your real question is, why isn’t she sorry. You wonder where her sorry is, but she doesn’t have a sorry. And she never will.

You have been paying maintenance for a son who isn’t yours to a wife you didn’t have. The boy is being raised around her and her family. He is not going to point a finger at them; he is going to turn out like them. You are not the father figure in his life. You are more like a great uncle who shows up every now and then. What you don’t realize is there is a fourth path. It is the one which lies directly behind you. It leads back to the beginning. You were with a woman pregnant by another man. You did not have a faithful, caring woman in your life. She stands in the stead of the real life you should have had, and you still haven’t broken up with her. Breaking ties is not taking your anger out on the boy. It is making sure this woman doesn’t collect dividends on a stock she doesn’t own.

Dear Shree, I am looking forward to having sex for the first time with my spouse, as my marriage is next month. What are the best positions for first timers?

Kamlesh Pratap, Udaipur

Some couples report that they like it with the man on the top, when the woman has a pillow under her buttocks as this provides an easy angle for penetration. But, this works only if the man acts slowly and does not thrust fully, at least, initially. She has to be able to tell him to slow down, stop or keep going. And if she feels that when he’s on top, she has lesser control, then maybe for her first time, she would wish to be on top so as to lower herself onto him at the pace that’s appropriate. Another alternative maybe the side to side position, called spooning. It’s always a good idea to discuss what are the boundaries and what is comfortable for them mutually. If the first position doesn’t feel right, you can always move around till you find a position you prefer. Or stop and try again, another time. Conversation and consent is key. 

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