Dear Sree: Outlook's Agony Aunt

Dear Shree, my husband has taken a job out of town and comes home only on weekends. This is the best choice for us to survive in this erratic economy, and we have decided on a simple formulae whereby he calls me every night before bed, no matter how late it gets/if he is out on a business dinner or out partying. But sadly, my man sucks at communicating and staying connected with me on a daily purpose! Sometimes there also arises a pressing need to get in touch with him, maybe on grounds of a family emergency/some important decision that I need his involvement with —today, for example, his doctor needed him to return a call—and, as usual, he simply ignored my message. This happens all the time, and it makes me exasperated! Also, I feel there is a waning intimacy in our marriage, as when I suggest we indulge in some playful sexting, he shows no real interest and abruptly says he’s either too busy or too tired. These days, with rampant infidelity, I worry if he’s cheating on me, or is plain bored in a long distance marriage or just lousy at intimacy that’s a huge turn off for me. I'm tempted to stop talking to him and not pick up the phone for our nightly conversation. I know it’s childish, but the revenge would feel really good. I just want to make him as crazy as he makes me! 

Shilpi Chatterjee, Kolkata

Well, let’s be honest, long distance sucks as do non communicative lovers and spouses, but the trick lies in knowing how to manage his silence and keeping the spark alive, than hyper ventilating and worrying your pretty head. Now, now. Pour yourself a cocktail, slip on something slinky, activate FaceTime, leave naughty love messages and let your instincts rule your relationship, instead of your nagging insecurities that he maybe cheating on you – that honestly could just as well be totally baseless. Also, while I agree that during an emergency, not being able to connect is hard and makes you really peeved, it’s best to discuss openly the communication styles that you are individually comfortable with – the timings during which you can touch base (maybe when you are having a meltdown, he’s in a board meeting) and explain to your man the need to keep all lines of communication free and open. Also, surprise each other with out of the blue visits and surprise gifts that will keep you both curious about each other, and make the heart grow fonder. It’s probably hotter than having the husband in the house always! Never forget, distance creates a torrid impatience to be together. Don’t kill it with petty suspicion and angst!

Dear Shree, I recently started dating a man who’s great and extremely compatible with me and so right for me in nearly every way. But there’s just one huge loophole – he cannot fall asleep in the same bed with me, he claims! He says he ‘can’t sleep’ with someone next to him as he’s 45 and I am 34, and he’s been single mostly all of his life, and even grew up in a hostel, so space for him is as physical as it is emotional. He’s so caring, affectionate, and good at the things one does in bed when we’re not sleeping, but every time he’s at my pad and with me he ends up leaving in the middle of the night, as he has to crash in his own bed no matter how late it might be! I know this isn’t normal, and he has tried (he even fell asleep for an hour last night), but if this relationship progresses—and it has great potential at this point, quite frankly —what do I do about this weird situation? We can’t have separate beds! This is not the ‘50s! What would you suggest I do?

Romita Chaturvedi, Mumbai

You are probably just normal and a concerned lover now confronted with this odd problem. But remember, for many discriminating people, the formal ritual of “sleeping together,” otherwise known as snoring, eructing, hiccuping, burping, kicking, cover-tugging is best carried out in separate beds. Let the lad get his rest and go his separate way if he’s comfortable, sans pressing the panic button, when everything else in your love life is pretty sexy and seamless. According to a 2005 study by the National Sleep Foundation, 23 percent of partnered adults frequently sleep solo. It’s totally normal and doesn’t indicate the intimacy finally waning. But maybe Romita you should invest in a king-size bed in case he does decide to stay over and gradually get over his need to sleep separately. Give him time, and enjoy yours.

Dear Shree, over the past seven years, I’ve lost all interest in sex. This has already cost me one relationship and I’m anxious that my wonderful new partner will leave soon too. Don’t get me wrong, I still find women attractive; I just don’t want sex – the thought fills me with stress and utter dread. My last partner used to get uncontrollably angry and aggressive, so I just used to have sex to stop any conflict.

Pavan Malla, Delhi

You’ve haven’t specified your age, so I can’t really put my finger on whether this is a medical problem or just a passing phase. Also, whether or not you have been frank with your girlfriend about the nature of your current struggles, I think she has a fairly decent idea that you are holding back and despite great chemistry, not getting physically intimate. She chose you for a reason. You also sound lonely in your relationship, but you don’t have to suffer alone or be so frustrated and afraid. Instead, try and initiate a deep, sincere conversation. Start by letting her know all the positive and affirmative feelings of love and admiration you have for her, then try to share truths about your frustration, sexual feelings, your strong desire to please her and your angst that it’s not easy for you to do so. Talking openly will be cathartic for you as well. Also ask her to share the task of working through these problems – with professional assistance if necessary. Intimacy involves truly seeing your partner, and being truly seen. Also, both of you can see a sexologist to understand and get to the root of your problem, and maybe doing this as a couple will keep you close and not alienate her. Women are emotional creatures, after all, and there is nothing more reassuring than an honest partner. 

Dear Shree, I recently took a new job a year ago as the VP of business development at a large distribution company. The owner/CEO is a former lover (we dated briefly). Everything seemed smooth sailing, and I was happy doing my job. But soon I’m being ordered to tell lies to prospective partners and suppliers, and my old flame has turned out to be an alpha male with a giant ego, giant expense accounts, illegal business dealings, and a sarcastic tongue. He screams at and mistreats everyone beneath him—me included. Worse, he’s always insinuating himself upon me, grabbing my breasts when no one is looking, inviting me to a posh hotel for casual sex, things like that. I’m thinking of suing him for sexual harassment. Or should I threaten to expose him to partners and suppliers, and negotiate an exit package for a whopping sum of money if I agree to stay quiet? Then I could start my dream online jewelry business and lead the life I love. 

Chandni Verma, Chandigarh

Save all e-mails, memos, letters, etc., that order you to lie to partners and suppliers. Make copies of shady accounting sheets and, if it’s legal, record office telephone calls. You’re looking for proof in other words. While you’re documenting his criminal enterprises, spy-cam the man if you can. Set a hidden camera in a public area of your office where the man’s attacks usually occur. During this period do not confide in coworkers. All warfare is based on surprise. When you’ve finally acquired solid evidence—the law places time limits on reporting crimes, so don’t dally —hire a good lawyer specializing in harassment to file charges. No doubt this man will also hire a squad of lawyers to blast your claims as ‘ridiculous, frivolous, and baseless.’ Stick to your guns. Because you once dated the man, he’ll probably weep about how you violated him with your sexual advances. Be prepared! So, to answer your question: No. No. No. No. No. No. Do not ‘stay quiet.’ If women had stayed quiet these past 50 years, we’d all still be so busy being sexually harassed, we wouldn’t earn enough money to buy the jewelry from the company you wish to start. If you ever want women to achieve equal power, fight this scoundrel and play hard.

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