Seeing strange spellings of some Hindi television soaps, writer Altaf Tyrewala coined a new term Engglishhh, which he says is an antidote to the world's most inauspiciously spelled language.
Compiled by a team of 17 numerologists after years of fevered calculations, Engglishhh contains more than 200,000 English words respelled in accordance with ancient Indo-Puranic principles.
According to the writer, Engglishhh cures the ill effects of English, bestowing on its users positive vibrations and fruitful karmic results. It is the most fortune-fetching and life-altering language in the history of the world, he says.
"The compilation has been alphabetised for easy referencing. From nouns, verbs, adjectives and articles to names of continents, countries, states, presidents and even Brangelina's children. No facet of the English speaker's world experience has been left unmodified by our resident mahagurus.
"And so, democracy is now dmoocrcy, colonialism is still colonialism, globalisation is gloobliation and so on," he says.
For a detailed word-by-word numerological analysis, he advises readers to refer to the five-volume Guuidee Too Engglishhh.
All these find mention in Tyrewala's new book Engglishhh: Fictional Dispatches from a Hyperreal Nation, published by HarperCollins India imprint Fourth Estate.
So is speaking in Engglishhh a necessity? No, says the author as the psychic benefits of Engglishhh are most acute in the written form.
So be it a love poem in Engglishhh; about Arnold MmYum who leaves his bench outside a popular eatery to discover the city of animate beings or a purveyor-director of cinematic porn or even a watchman who counts the seconds to death, Tyrewala's words are sharp with irony and each story is slashed through with deftly satirical insights into the ways of men and the worlds they inhabit.
Mumbai-based Tyrewala has also authored No God in Sight and Ministry of Hurt Sentiments.