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Money is tight so I’d better finish this secret diary quick, make it salacious enough and get some publishers interested. I can’t splurge as in the past. People feel the royals spend too much and the zombies in Parliament want to investigate our finances. What a comedown, in the past we could have sent them to the tower and chopped off their heads. Personally speaking, I don’t know what numerals followed my name ( II, III, IV or V) but I am a great admirer of one of my ancestors, Henry V, who won a great battle against the French at Agincourt which made that bloke Shakespeare write the play, Henry V. It was full of thou, thee, hark and so on, made a superman out of dear old Henry (but in school I could hardly make anything out of it.)
I envy those times. Princes ate well without bothering about their weight, laid any wenches they chose, hunted whatever they wanted and got immortalised in the pages of that Shakespeare bloke. Henry V must have had a great time at Agincourt, cutting off French heads. Much better than the one I had inside a helicopter gunship bringing down those bloody Afghan men, women and kids (that was great fun!). It was so much like my favourite video games where I went bang-bang all the time. I mentioned this in public but the Afghan old boy, Hamid Karzai, was a good sport. Boys will be boys, royal boys only better, was his response and that was because he was a great friend and admirer of Pappy (Prince Charles). First time I came to know Pappy had a friend and an admirer.
Most princely duties are quite awesome. At Perth recently, I had to oblige some friends by shedding my clothes and dancing with a mask, holding a glass of beer in one hand. The royal equipment was much admired though brother Bill, now respectably married with another royal on the way, warned me not to put it down in my CV. Yes, I know we always make news. Sometimes I wonder why people don’t leave us alone? Noseyparkers recently dug up some remains, claimed they belonged to another ancestor, Richard III. They pointed out that the face had a prominent chin and a slightly arched nose and closely resembled the paintings of the ancestor.
Sometimes, this stuff is quite disturbing. After watching Jurassic Park 28 times I wondered if royal remains could be cloned to create another Richard III. Would he then lay claim to the throne? One thing’s certain. Richard III might have been a nasty bit of work but I don’t think even he can get granny Queen Elizabeth to abdicate. Pappy’s been trying for decades but still hasn’t got anywhere.
The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com