Kudos to Meena Kandasamy for writing this piece, and in such detail (I Singe the Body Electric, Mar 19). It is important that she wrote it, because of who she is. It takes time to come to terms with the paradoxical fact that someone who espouses progressive radical thought should have such deep roots in patriarchy.
Preethi Krishnan, Bangalore
Meena’s story really touched my heart. I applaud her honesty, strength and courage.
Seema Nanda, Houston
The fact that Meena has shared her story will give women in similar circumstances the strength to stand up and speak out. Absolutely nothing explains physical or emotional violence against another human being.
Jyotsna Kaur Habibullah, Lucknow
If this can happen to someone like Meena, imagine the millions of women who suffer in silence in a cruel relationship.
C.R. Gunasekar, Chennai
Writing this piece must have taken a lot more courage than her other writing. That this can happen to someone as bold and assertive as Meena is really jarring, and throws open the question as to how many women suffer her fate. I am sure her experience has made Meena stronger and hers will be a much-needed voice to the voiceless.
M. Vijayakumar, Bangalore
Women suffer without recognising it themselves, thinking things will get better, but unfortunately they never do. Simply because there is a pattern and cycle of victimisation. Whether it’s rape or years of domestic violence, in both, it’s a question of being violated, and losing your identity. Negative comments only reinforce that sense. I can tell because I too have suffered. The perpetrator can be anyone, even a person of position and power.
Amnah, Kuala Lumpur
If a bold and beautiful being like Meena can suffer like this at the hands of the beasts of patriarchy, what would be happening to ordinary, inarticulate multitudes of women?
Dr K.C. Muraleedharan, Kannur
I am so glad you’re safe, Meena. You’ll take time for your emotions to settle, but thank goodness you’re there. My dear friend lived with an abusive partner for 20 years. He murdered her on January 10 this year. And then he killed himself.
Carolyn Hastie, Tweed Heads, Australia
It is shocking that this could happen to Meena Kandasamy, who is as articulate and fierce a fighter for the rights of women and the oppressed as anyone who’s written in these pages. The “communist academic” she was married to was most likely a fellow traveller in Meena’s fight for freedoms and against institutional oppressions. I guess his commitment to those freedoms was, well, academic. Pity Meena had to find out the hard way.
Srinivas, Stamford, US
Meena Kandasamy depicts, quite chillingly, the limitations of gender consciousness—or rather, the conscious act of self-blinding—among even the ‘educated’ section of the Indian populace. We must realise that it’s all operating within a network of power in which men have the luxury of exhibition.
Judhajit Sarkar, Calcutta
What a chilling glimpse of a physically and psychologically abusive marriage. Many women trapped in violent relationships can, no doubt, relate and perhaps draw strength from Meena Kandasamy’s brave revelations.
Ammu Joseph, Bangalore
Though I’ve never fancied the stories you write, this one really hit me. You have shown your strength by recounting your story. Tough times never last, tough people do.
Kiran Voleti, Chennai
If it’s any consolation, please know that you have lent voice to the hundreds of women who live with such brutality. The poignance in your writing moved me. It would seem a bit callous to suggest a bright side to your ordeal, but it speaks volumes of your strength that you ditched that neanderthal.
Amit, Tucson, US
It will be difficult, if not impossible, to count the army of women who must live in such circumstances. Unlike soldiers, though, each is forced to fight her own battle.
Mukul Dube, Delhi
The lack of respect for women is something that is intolerable in today’s society. Your ‘husband’ mocking and punishing you for your passion for the arts embodies a general lack of tolerance, which must be expunged. It is heartening to know Meena is now in a better place.
Anirudh Dhawan, Mumbai
At the end of the day, even if everything else falls apart, you should have yourself. The healing process will peel away the layers of insults and pain, added to your own insecurities and fears. There are many women living in such marriages. One never sees them, the cultural framework has blinded us from the obvious.
Reshmi, Bangalore
No one, man or woman, deserves to be treated so. I’m glad Ms Kandasamy found the courage to break free. I hope she fights for legal justice too.
Prajna, Cupertino, US
I’m so shocked. I would never have thought such wounds lay hidden behind that smile. I hope she knows that she isn’t alone as she deals with this.
Ramesh Dheeravath, Hyderabad
Ms Kandasamy, hats off to you for being this strong. The depths of what you have gone through, only you would be able to understand. I’m glad your family is being supportive. Your leaving that brutal life behind is in itself a fresh start.
Lavina, Mumbai
Your dignity,self respect,erudition,poise,juvenile mirth and joy, and undying sprit cn never be stolen nor brunt by any one. it was only a passing phase and and passing cloud; some time in delay there is plenty; plenty to cherish and pursue; Please revisit your life.dictate your life on your term. though I subscribe that life is full of compromise. what to compromise, is, should be, by for on your terms.Good wishes and all the best in your endeavour.
@Whats inaname - ""She is a fascist, hating Hindus"
ROFL
>> She is a fascist hating Hindu
"She is a fascist, hating Hindus"
There. I fixed the grammatical errors in your post.
Pradeep Singh, >> She is a Hindu hating fascist.
She is a fascist hating Hindu.
She is a Hindu hating fascist. She and her ilk are a threat to humanity. She has a putrid sick mind.
I am Just Shocked after reading this, Feel bad to be not with my friend in her anguish situation..I never expected such an bedevilment will happen through that molest person...She was persecute by her loved one is really hatred...But I am confident her poems and social thoughts will Vanish all these unfit thoughts from her life..Meena, we will be with you forever,,Thanks for lovable family (mom,dad & cute sister) who cares her a lot......
After reading her recent article in Outlook deliberating and gratuitously insulting Hindus in their own land, I am not so sure this woman is so innocent as she is trying to make out in this sob story.
I feel for her husband. It could not have been easy to cope with such an extremely twisted and hate filled woman.
Very thpught provoking article. Its nice that you are out of that stupid relationship. So lead a happy life now. I cannot understand one more thing, what is Indian dating blog doing with this article. I think this article is totally a harrasment and you induce sex ads in this page?
A very sad tale indeed,which only confirms the hold of patriarchy in India,not even leaving out the progressiveand educated. It also severs the myth that only the underprivileged are abused and maltreated.what emancipation are we talking about? To make matters worse the man in question goes scott free! what kind of messages are we broadcasting?It is high time that people in power took notice of these matters and took some constructive steps about it, otherwise 'women and their woes' signal the aborted quest of Feminism.
I am not sure if it was a work of fiction or a truthful leaf from her life??
Reading this during a train travel back home, gave me the creeps; I could not , for several minutes, look at the face of my wife, my companion for 48 years, shell-shocked by the hidden monsters of my species; can a Dorian Gray type scratch go on my face too, by simply being in the audiece?
It is unthinkable to read such a cruel recap. Because of the level of awareness and self esteem the writer, Poet must be commanding while choosing a life partner or guiding the family around. One, whatever may be the level of awareness, women still subject themselves to such trauma, may be because of the practice of remaining IN for the sake of family till it is completely out of hand. Giving up does not mean surrender, it shall be done at a position of equality, There could be ideological differences between partners, yet the level may vary , subjecting somebody to torture denotes lowest level of civilization, It is quite easy passing judgments after listening the whole story or giving advices “ Should have done so” etc. well it takes great deal to come in terms of it in real life.
It is unthinkable to read such a cruel recap. Because of the level of awareness and self esteem the writer, Poet must be commanding while choosing a life partner or guiding the family around. One, whatever may be the level of awareness, women still subject themselves to such trauma, may be because of the practice of remaining IN for the sake of family till it is completely out of hand. Giving up does not mean surrender, it shall be done at a position of equality, There could be ideological differences between partners, yet the level may vary , subjecting somebody to torture denotes lowest level of civilization, It is quite easy passing judgments after listening the whole story or giving free advices “ Should have done so” etc. Well it takes great deal to come in terms of it in real life.
Talking freely to someone ---- a stranger, if possible ---- eases pain. Talk to me if you feel like it. Viji
Horrifying.
This one is turning out to be a gender debate. No relationship is perfect. It is a given that every relationship suffers from abuse in terms of being verbal, physical, unbearably cynical, duplicitous or their variant. Men and women are equally responsible in sorting this out. Perhaps, it is not an escapist argument to say that humans are prone to severe behavioral changes , unaware of how it can sabotage the relationship, and react in ways which gets the relationship crumbling down accompanied by physical and mental damages to both.
Domestic violence is nothing new. The debate, here, is turning out to be who is winning the battle of domestic violence, the gender race is on and who beats who has become the moot question, which is quite ridiculous.
We are losing the point here. How does it matter if the writer of the article has actually suffered a broken marriage, apart from it being only a question of sympathetic sentiments? The larger point is what is the law doing about this. Abuse is an abuse, be it a man hurling on a woman or vice-versa. Both should be made equal in the eyes of law, which should have been basic not even needing a point to be raised about. But here I am, having to spell it out, because, it seems the debaters, well educated people, here want to argue which gender is suffering more. Every time there is a topic which needs careful though, the debate goes astray. So I am asking this, what is the law doing? The 'sufferer' of this article should have pursued justice. Why did she five up on it? Her confidence in law seems to be low. So is that of millions of such maritally tormented men and women.
Hi ma'am .. Hats off to you for being this strong .. What you have gone through only you would understand because to express and explain such situations to others whether family or friends , words are not enough but i am glad everybody around you is being supportive.. I think the step you have taken of leaving that brutal place is by itself a fresh start... you should try moving on and take this chance to be a new life... travel around the world , eat different cuisines and meet new people , its a new life new beginning , make new happy memories.. only if you are happy things are going to be great around you :)
I have a little suspicion that Male Unblocked is none but MK trying to attract attention and increase reader's reaction/debate over her story.. WAKE UP "MALES",, I dont think any guy would call his same species this way.. :)
As for feminism, yes females are sometimes tortured, not because of situation, because they are ready to stay in such situation and not decide to move out, even if they have all kind of support .. they sometimes idioticly hopeful for the animal to become Mahatma Gandhi or sometimes drive the Mahatma gandhi to become hitler.. its all their choce and if they suffer its their wrong choices.. I am against violence.. but at the same time, would not show crocodile's tears for idiots, be male or female..
SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT OF RAPE ALLEGATIONS ARE FALSE!
And yet, hysteria is whipped up to make more stringent anti-male laws! How do we continue to believe the feminist leaders?
http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/article2982321.ece?homepage=true
126 D, Emperor,
The argument against opposing arguments, is essentially feminist in origin, and the sign of a loser.
125 D,
We understand your concern. But you are overdoing it here.
Also do you have your own story to tell which is as entertaining as Meena's personal life?
If yes please write to VM, we may soon be debating your story right here.
124 D, Mullapudi,
Thanks for your 'concern' ( sarcasm intended ). But that argument is the last refuge of the loser.
123 D, Anirudh,
Your argument would fit in well with Hitlers Germany, but not in civilised society.
WAKE UP, MALES! SPEAK UP!
@ male unblocked... are you so jobless to comment on every single post that someone puts???
122 D
Let's move past the trite male vs female argument, it's not about me being a male and protecting my brethren. A human has suffered. No person has the right to inflict unwarranted harm to any other person. Hence, the husbands "story" is rendered irrelvant
.
121 D
Actually, its very surprising to see another male not finding anything wrong with not knowing her ex-husbands story.
No...actually is is NOT surprising!
A very piteous read indeed, it reveals squalid beliefs that still prevail in modern-day India. Our conservative and fundamentalist views are the root cause of these beliefs. Not that there is anything wrong with fundamentalism, but the lack or respect for women, in extremis the disregard or them as human beings, and the lack of tolerance for others with opposing beliefs is something that is intolerable in today's society. The fact that your "husband" mocked your passion for the literary arts and punished you for the same embodies our lack of tolerance. Though India has progressed a lot in the sphere of feminism, there still that gap, which must be covered for it to progress further and for our women to break the proverbial glass ceiling, which, though not applicable directly in the context, is a part of feminism. The general belief that men are superior to women has to be expunged. That apart, it is heartening to know that you are now in a better place and there is hope for other women, who are in the same situation, languishing elsewhere.
Flaws in her writing - as in even the best polished diamonds may have 'flaws'. The problem with male-ant-males, is that they think that sexy ladies are like the best diamonds and do not have any flaws at all. And female anti-males stick together er... flawlessly.
But how do you describe venom - flawless?
118/D
Well there are lots of flaws - the first one being her intent to be flawless.
Another flaw- According to the law(yers) ,he was never her husband ever--the discovery of this fact she celebrates towards the end of the story. So there is flaw even in the premise of the story.
But again her getting hit was bad, and her husband going insane because of her was sad.
117 D
I cant see any flaws, actually!
Its plain raw and pure slander against a feminists ex-husband. After all, the feminists were not watching all those afternoon TV serials of family-politics-soap-operas for nothing - other than spreading propaganda and slander against males!
Sigh....but even males are so brainwashed, that they find 'flaws' in anti-male reporting!
THis story for all its flaws has incited more people than the story of defeat of Rahul gandhi- the person whom most of the middle class educated Non backward caste hindu commoners abhor from the bottom of their hearts.
115 D
DC, You sound like a saint!
However, the problem with Meena is that she is a feminist and has influence in Outlook enough to allow her to engage in slander against her ex-husband, with no chance of us hearing the other side.
Meena Kandasamy
I believe you are out of the traumatic experience when you could pen down your stories.
I am assuming that all that you wrote is whole truth without misrepresenting through selected ommissions and you faced domestic violence without provoking your partner. Even after making that assumption without reading your huband's account of the events I believe your story is not unique. There are thousands of others who suffered or have suffered marital problems and domestic violence. In fact, instances of a man beating his wife or getting remarried without divorcing the previous wife are quite common. Hollywood movies like Sleeping with the Enemy and its several Bollywood copies were based on the same storyline- how a woman escaped from an abusive yet possessive husband. My conclusion- your situation is not exceptional here
Having said that I also believe that in relationships women are not always necessarily the victims and the men are not necessarily aggressors. I also know instances where women - mostly urban and educated- have abused hapless men with the aid of the laws enacted to protect the hapless women, although many feminists often do not admit this. Given your own liberal, left wing, feminist credentials as a writer, several readers in this forum questioned the credibility of your story.
Is there a lesson for you to learn? You made a terrible mistake of not doing enough homework before choosing a partner for life. How? Because as an emotional person you trust your heart more than your head. That explains the poetry in your prose, your bleeding heart liberal ideas and strong beliefs in leftist ideologies expressed in your writings. But strong emotions and ideologies also color your judgement. You get carried away by the halo effect. You find a man's communist credentials so attractive that you overlook his other personal traits. ( It reminds me of Arundhati Roy another emotional leftist ideologue who found poetry in the Maoist insurgents training to kill people.)
It's true that even after spending years we may not know about a person's all traits . But what about your ignorance of his previous marriage? Even in arranged marriages people conduct a lot more due diligence . Forget about the personal traits, you didn't even know enough about a person's background before making the most important decision of your life. And then after knowing that you committed a mistake you continued to hold on for too long. Did your ego also play a part in not recognizing your mistakes.
My take from your story- (1) You should not get carried away by your emotions while making any of your decisionsyour decisions. You have to be rational using your head as well. (2) If possible please question your long cherished beliefs and streotypical ideas about people- a communist can be abusive, a capitalist can be charitable; life comes with all sorts of surprises. (3) Don't waste your time rewinding the bitter memories or wallowing in self pity. It only kills the positive energy for your present and future. (4) A beautiful woman with fantastic writing skills will soon find Mr Right provided she spends enough time in gathering all the facts about the person and judging him using both rationality and emotions. I wish to see you enjoy the singlehood before getting happily remarried.
Isaiah 54 The Future Glory of Zion 1 “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the LORD. 2 “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. 3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. 4 “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. 5 For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. 6 The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God. 7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. 8 In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,” says the LORD your Redeemer.
9 “To me this is like the days of Noah, when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you, never to rebuke you again. 10 Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
11 “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,[a] your foundations with lapis lazuli. 12 I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones. 13 All your children will be taught by the LORD, and great will be their peace. 14 In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you. 15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
16 “See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc; 17 no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the LORD.
Sengupta ji
No sarcasm at all . I read again my post .Needs small correction and a little correction as below
"You have already wasted some years and now NO NEED TO waste the remaining in remembering the past.'
Thanks any way.
After Re-reading this article some things came across my mind, I just want to point them out: 1. Most of us are posting comments after making some assumption (I assume) but the problem with assumptions are they may not be true when environment and situation changes. Most of us are assuming that Meena is a normal, common woman which she is not. 2. She is poet. Pay attention to certain lines like “With a scattered heart and in no mood for seduction, the woman in me carries on a conversation with the ceiling, she confides in the curtains”. What is this? I don’t know … but if such a person writes that someone molested her, I will assume that she may have been molested or somebody may have gazed her hard. Given the fact that writer is rabid feminist, I will be more willing to believe the former but then I am not the smartest guy on the street.
3. I think that it will be wrong to take everything in this article on its face value. Read some of her poem or article for symbolism used by her.
4. “The first time he hits me, I remember I hit him back. Retaliation can work between well-matched rivals, but experience teaches me that a woman who weighs less than a hundred pounds should think of other options.” You interpret as you wish!
5. “He always inhabits the moral high ground and resorts to extreme generalizations”. I think this is pure crap. Nobody and I mean nobody can take higher moral ground or resort to extreme generalization than leftist and feminist intelligentsia. Even if I assume that he does then he deserve more respect than we are giving him.
6. Look for the excessive dramatization “In the middle of the night, I want to rush to a nearby convent, seek shelter.” What were you doing whole day? Why mid of the night?
7. “The next morning I wake up and see that he has singed his flesh with a red-hot spoon. A twisted mind and its twisted love. He is willing to explain himself: I inflict this punishment on myself because I realise my guilt.” This looks like guy is psycho but if he was psycho before marriage you couldn’t possibly have married him at the first place. Is that you made him so? I think chances are high!
8. “When I press for his punishment, the police speak of jurisdictional issues.” Really!! I always knew our judicial system is crap but is it that bad??
9. There are lot of things you will understand this article carefully after removing tinted glass. It would be better if you read some of her article and poems too. You will better understand her.
10. Don’t pass judgment without knowing whole story. Have some sympathy with her unfortunate ex-husband. You would have been dead if you were in his place. Out of frustration either you have killed her or yourself. Both of them are alive kudos that poor guy.
P.S. Question in these comments re rhetorical, don’t bother replying.
#100 @Hitesh, "quite often these "situations" are brought about or exacerbated by those other than spouses "
I entirely agree with you. But I am talking of family support from the victim's side not the agressor's. In an arranged marriage, the victim's family naturally bears the moral responsibility to set right the situation. I do, however, agree that agressor's family members' involvement increases the possibilites of such "situations".
Not a word about Meenas famous caste here!
99 D The quote was wrongly attributed, but that does not take away the meaning from the quote, nor gives you the right for anti-male bashing either.
101 D, Confused males must understand that divorces are very common, and reasons given to it are plenty and feminist views. The media is usually biased against males, and hence the insensitivity to his version of events.
The most important thing here to notice is that Ms Meena is no ordinary oppressed woman. She has a voice, a loud one and a medium, a huge one, to convey her story.
Many of the actions of her husband sound unreasonable, such as deleting all old emails of the wife. Also he was the man of her own chosing. A lady like her wont be chosing a lallu or a dimwit. The man i assume will have his own standing and a personality. His actions post marriage seem quite insane. What made him so? A presentation of the story from his side is also required before shower generous sympathies towards Ms Meena.
Only instance from the entire story to sympathise with Ms Meena would be the incidence wherein she got physically hit.
oh.. forgot to mention.. My heartiest sympathies to you Mrs Meena K.
I am happy to know that you have gotten over your idiocy and got married to a healthy guy again.. hope he is still sane :P
Commonplace
About the story: Indeed tragic.
Reality check: Biased.. Need to know the version of her husband too. A good writer often over-express stuffs.. a slap becomes a third degree torture added emotional background to it. The article does not reflect why beatings happened(the causes).. May be the reasons were too nominal to the lady but mattered a lot to the husband and the lady never understood his needs. In any case beating is not acceptable.. If i was the husband I would probably ignore her or divorce her. And she should have done the same long back as her parents were so supportive.. This is not a story of male brutality. Its a story of female idiocy. And i know some real stories which is too similar to this one.. difference is I know why those females got beaten, and they will never accept those reasons important enough to matter in front of their selfish freedom spree (read "freedom to act like a single woman") ..
All relationships comes with some untold underlying principles to make their partner comfortable .. when people tend to ignore them.. problem happens.. I am not supporting beating, i never would,.. but why a loving relationship turns abusive and why a perfectly nice and proper male starts beating wife really needs some introspection.. may be the writer would like to have a flashback and think about the same..
but as always .. the usual thought process of general readers is "the woman has not changed.. but the male turned into an animal".. answer that are yet to come is "WHY?"..
@suresh, In a similar situation in an arranged marriage, the parent family owes moral obligation to the victim and can be relied upon to give moral and emotional support, and also help financially.
I am not sure how much first-hand knowledge of such "situations" in arranged marriages do you have but my take is that quite often these "situations" are brought about or exacerbated by those other than spouses involved in arranged marriages.
Hey Male Unblocked - you attribute "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" to Hippocrates. Its actually a phrase used by an author called William Congreve in "The Mourning Bride." From what I've seen of your various rants, such shoddiness and inaccuracy is pretty typical for you. Why don't you engage your brain (instead of that other equally underdeveloped part of your anatomy) before you hit the keyboard in future? And while you're at it, try and get a life.
It will be difficult, if not impossible, to count the women who must live in such circumstances. All that is certain is that they make up a veritable army. But, unlike soldiers in an army, each of them must fight alone.
@ Irrevernt Indian: you sure live up to your name!
Just some lighter stuff to calm things down...
www.youtube.com/watch
@ Vivek: What exactly are you interested in a) researching the reasons why perfectly intelligent ladies fall into traps laid by men b) wishing God (or whoever) would help them c) proposing a solution, maybe??
@ AK Ghai: Sir, would 'wasting' the rest of her life be a good thing, or am I too dumb to decode sarcasm?
@ Male Unblocked: Your passionate insistence on Femininst Propoganda leaves me speechless. Bless you Sir.
@ Meena: Smile, hold your chin up, girl :)
@ everyone: I hope all gathered here understand that this is not exactly a school debate, where 'propogandas' are being pitted against each other for the 'best speaker of the day' award. It is true that the countr is badly skewed in its laws towards the women. And why not, since they are the ones who've gone down the history for being enslaved? the situation is grim, and women are also increasingly taking advantage of the biased situation. But am sure everyone of you will be humane enough to see pain and not engage in debates, opinions and mud slinging that stoops your humanity, dignity and above all, reasonability.
thanks, Sreemanti
I am a former Marine Sergeant--combat decorated--I still have a pair--and I say this--Women are A glory before God--men who mistreat women are stupid and lack humanity. Brutality does not prove anything except being a fool--someone who feels that a woman speaking against her own suffering is feminist crap needs to grow up no matter how old or to which caste they belong. To treat a woman with tenderness is not a display of weakness but a foot in the door of immortality.
Dear Male Unblocked,
With reference and in awe of the effusive wrath you have against the feminine race, may we, indeed have your male spirit speaking up for itself rather than commenting on the situation with a ridiculous crutch of your 'unblocked' maleness? The 'feminist crap' can assist you in pushing the point further if we know whether you indeed have a basis for the comments. Feminists or no, am sure ladies here would look forward to shortening their 'frog-kissing spree'.
In admiration,
Sreemanti
>> "but sadly this is the truth of every other marriage. " - Kamna
JEEZ!! DOES IT MEAN THAT EVERY OTHER HUSBAND IS LIKE THAT?? Women have serious expectation problems!! This crap is getting seriously viral now!!
What do the women think? Those 'prince charming on white horses' stories are for real? It's high time that the government outlawed all such stupid fairy tales!!
The real world is very different - you have a better chance of finding your ideal hubby charming if you go on a frog-kissing rampage!! Spare those ordinary men please. If heavenly bliss is what the women are looking for, they must head for the heavens. Planet earth is for those with flesh and blood!!
Dear Meena...I am sorry to hear your story...but sadly this is the truth of every other marriage. I was in a similar one myself...the person came across as the best human being on this earth...but the reality was totally the opposite...While reading your story, I could visualise my marriage...had I stayed longer it would have been just like yours...I am glad that you have walked out on this man...NO woman needs to go through this torture and stay with a b*******. Please go ahead and legally leave this man and save your self ..he doesnt deserve you at all...trust me in the end its his loss not yours.....you will be the one who will emerge as the winner....yes there will be lot of obstacles on the way but they are all worth it if you are getting your freedom in the end!! I agree the scars will never go....they dont...but atleast you will be living a life of pride and respect... It takes a lot of courage to write on a social site...and hats off to you for doing that. I can completely understand what you must have gone through...and I am sure every woman reading this is going to support you...have faith in yourself and you can move mountains!! All the very best!
http://www.manwomanmyth.com/women/false-allegations-of-sexual-harassment-and-rape/
88D "...layers and layers of insult and pain added to ones own insecurities and fears. The more you are focussed on shedding them, you will discover a newer you, while there are many more women around you living in such marriages...."
Feminist crap. But wait - its not just crap - its Anti-male PROPAGANDA.
Dear Meena,
I am sorry to read about the immense pain and suffering that you had to bear. I think you ended up with a mentally sick person. I have traversed a similar journey.
But you are out of it and I hope you will work towards healing. Yes, you need to work towards healing. Its like peeling away layers and layers of insult and pain added to ones own insecurities and fears. The more you are focussed on shedding them, you will discover a newer you, while there are many more women around you living in such marriages. They were already there, but you never saw them, as the cultural framework blinded you from the obvious.
A friend once told me that, at the end of the day, even if everything important falls apart, you should have yourselves. I hope you will also discover this. And I think this is what feminism is all about. Heal well!
85 D
Niranjan, your bias towards the woman in this article shows clearly in your insensitivity to the male version. Please have an open mind, and educate yourself about anti-male politics first.
Thanks to the left leaning media the disease of political correctness has become viral and helped to spread standard clichés - the weak is always the victim and the strong got to be the aggressor ; the rich are always exploiters and the poor, the poor exploited; woman is always right and the man a liar and woman beater ; Upper casters are evil and the dalits are victims and so on - to take deep roots . The generalisation is so intense it is taken for granted that the other side doesn’t deserve to be listened to. But unfortunately the reality lies somewhere in between or can be on any side as the case may be. It’s absolutely foolish to think that these alone are truths. A man can be good and woman can be evil and vice versa also is equally true. In today’s news there is a story of a woman’s appeal against the divorce granted in a family court which was dismissed on the ground that the woman was unduly cruel when she alleged without evidence that a sexual relation existed between her husband and his mother and her father in law was a womaniser. Imagine the mental trauma of this man who is slapped with an unspeakable slander that he is a mother f****r. Can any man tolerate a woman who accuses him like that? Definitely the man will go into a rage and he may then resort to beating the woman thus falling into the trap. I have known cases of women who enrage their husbands to beat them to gain sympathy and mileage. Equitable law ensures that the rule of law is truly balanced and not influenced by the sex of the individual. No doubt the present legal arrangement is too much in favour of one sex. Time real equality before law is brought in.
When I began reading this piece, I thouhgt Ms Meena was writing fiction ! But going thro' the details, half-way I suspected that this may be her own experience!! And the harsh reality had fully dawned on me after reading the numerous comments, some of which are heartless and bad in taste. I was horrified by these two things:
(i)The shocking tale of an educated, articulate and newly married young lady who suffered abroad at the hands of a heartless brute for a husband , and
(ii) The utterly insensitive and highly objectionable comments by some of the readers based mostly on anti-feminist and other ideological grounds.
Gentlemen, this is a tragic and moving story of a wronged young lady. Please show sympathy to Ms Meena Kandasamy if you can. Otherwise, kindly keep your highly biased and unjustified views to your own Goodselves and oblige !!!
83 D
Well asked, dude!
And rhetoric questions need answers too!
After reading this article I have certain points in my mind:
1. I doubt this is personal story of Meena. She has only written this in first person so as to have its effect amplified. If it was not that case its effect would be hughly diminished.
2. If the story is true then question arises that she is smart, beautiful and probably intelligent how could she picked up such outright winner among loads of male around her.
3. This probably also explains that feminist and leftist intelligentsia do not leave in reality rather in some other alternate world.
4. If she couldn't take the most important decision (I assume) in her life correct, she took horribly wrong decision why should she expect that her views are so right and deserve so much respect.
5. About beating, she has writes '"The first time he hits me, I remember I hit him back" so if she was 'Laila Ali' her husband would have got that beating. Does it mean since I am not that strong I will take moral high ground.
6. Most of us (at least some of us) will agree that man she is talking about is outlier in the real world. What does she want to prove by writing article?? How men in general behave.. Isn't it too much of generalization.
7. Can somebody write case involving a famous badminton player and his wife to explain behavior of women in general? Or the case of Maria.
8. How come slap by a Man to a woman is so deplorable act but woman slapping man is woman empowerment? How guy making some not so decent comment at girl is so bad but girl making such comment is expression of their sexual freedom?
9. Why everybody assumes that whatever woman tells is right without knowing the story of other side. There is no issues with her. Are we taking all women as body of virtues, with no fault at all?
10. All of you are bashing that guy, without putting yourself in the shoes of that guy. Imagine you are married to rabid communist, feminist woman. How would you feel in everyday life? For most of us it will be worse than death. Of course that doesn’t justify beating but hey men take emotional and financial beating every day.
P.S. all the Question written in this post is rhetoric do not bother replying
Sorry to read this Meena. No human (man or woman) deserves to be beaten up. I am glad you finally found the courage to break free and face the social stigma. I hope you fight for legal justice too.
Prajna,
It seems like the sisterhood is sticking together on this one.
MALE UNBLOCKED -
Dude two questions for you -
1. Don't you have a job or a hobby or a life? You have been commenting on this article for three days now. Give it a break man, go to bed.
2. Are YOU the ex-husband? If yes, then that would explain my Q1.
Will it be insensitive to point out that what brought them together, in the first place, was Hate: then there was agreement about the object of their hate: it was to be the Class Enemy.
The Hate turned against one of his own. Clearly, the man was a Pyscho as well (enuf evidence in the article, in my opinion).
My sympathies for Ms Meena, its a sad story.
But its not a tale about domestic abuse.
77D " Usually, I sympathize with such an account."
The people who really need sympathy are the CONFUSED males, who find it very difficult to believe that a curvaceous young lady like Meena could engage in lies and slander.
My sympathies are with those who live in DENIAL of anti-male propaganda spread by feminist leaders in the media.
My sympathies are with Meena too - for her inability to take treatment for her PERSONALITY DISORDER ( probably BPD ), instead of painting her ex-husband as a black rogue, engaging in paranoia against males in general, in the media.
I haven't know you earlier. But, a quick search tells me about your profile.
Usually, I sympathize with such an account. But, in your case, I've only one word for it - 'Karma'. After reading your previous works, I've to wonder how much of what you said is true.
75 D
The media is Hyper Anti-Male.
Dont expect the anti male to allow the male to write his version of his story too.
I am sorry but I find it really hard to believe the truthfulness in the entirety of story simply because of the fact that Meena Kandawamy is a writer. If entire story is indeed a true account of what she went through, then my sincere sympathies to her. I can't believe a learned thinking woman like Meena K couldn't act fast enough to get out of the relationship. There was no real reason to put up with that man undergoing all the abuse and torture.
Hitesh,
I am not talking about a lady who just escaped from a traumatic relationship. I am talking about one who is sufficiently distanced from her experience to be able to write about it in Outlook.
I did not suggest that women walk into these relationships knowingly. The fact remains that many do experience abusive relationships more than once. I do not want to speculate on what conscious or unconscious motivations drive such relationships in any given case.
I see no reason for the the relationship going sour or may be it is concealed by Ms Meena.
She fell for that man completely sometime in the past. People dont change so much after marriage; blinded by the persona/power of the guy she ignored all his traits when they had started.
The fact is that every woman finds the 'badboyness' of a guy irrestable and derive kicks out of it. And more independent and educated the woman is , the more so.
Nothing wrong with it, but they should realize that badboyness is a double edged sword. You get into the relationship prepared for it and expect the expected and please dont complain, that too through a magazine when things go bad and expect to gain sympathizers.
>>many of these women enter new relationships which too, after a while, turn out to be absuive
Anwaar, again if you were a doctor, I would argue you have bedside manners of Dr. House :). If for a second, you can view "these" women as one you personally know or care about (family or a friend), the perspective changes quite a bit.
It is not about how they make wrong decisions (may be even repeatedly) but about how they get cheated repeatedly. Yeah, women like macho men who will go out and conquer the world for them but I doubt many walk into abusive relationships repeatedly and knowingly.
I can see some stereo typed comments here. Typical of some to shift the whole blame without even bothereing about the trauma the lady has gone through.
Do we never change? Sad!
Compare this article with the one that was published in this very magazie a few months ago.
http://www.outlookindia.com/article.aspx?278704
In All Aboard The Slave Ship, she attempts to take the young generation to task for its indifference to the burning issues around.
She asks:"When will you learn to attack a system in order to alter its agenda? When will your protest be proof of your pent-up anger? Will you come up with an activism that cannot be appropriated? No other country awaits a revolution as eagerly as ours, no other country needs one as desperately either. This revolution is not somebody else’s business. Where is your characteristic killing rage? Where is mine, for that matter?"
And she signs-off, "Perhaps you will heed the call to arms, some day you will don combat gear. Some day you will step out of your selfish skin and speak up for the people. Some day you will wage war against every injustice and uproot every oppression. Some day your sacrifice will set us free."
So, difficult to imagine that such an activist (who is sometimes referred to as Ms Militancy) bore the brunt of a violent marriage.
Or did this incident push her into this militant/activist mode?
64 D
The answer is interesting too : the THREAT of misuse of the law is far more potent ( to silence her ex-husband ), than the actual use of it - which she probably afraid of losing. Hence, the recourse to public lying, stereotyping and propaganda - under the cover of the extortist, anti-male laws.
" HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED "
- Hippocrates - writing centuries ago!
@ meena
I am a bit surprised that you had allowed the cycle of violence to go on for so many days.That a woman like you who has always written with an air of a fiery independent feminist should go through this trauma is a bit shocking to say the least.I wish that you recover soon psychologically.
Marriage is not an unchosen obligation, it is a chosen obligation. Love out of admiration is morally superior to love out of pity or duty.
I may never get married because I hold these ideas. But I will certainly be happier than Meena.
I wish her justice and happiness.
Meena,
If it's any consolation, please understand that you lend voice to hundreds of women who face such brutality. One cannot fully understand your plight unless one has gone through the same horror. The poignance in your writing is moving and it'd be a bit callous to suggest a bighter side, howsoever dim it is, but, mercifully, you didn't waste a lot of time with that neanderthal. Words are a scant comfort but I am struck by so many ugly comments by some people here. Just pathetic. There is no need to salt the wounds.
@Rajesh, Whatever points you are trying to make, you are just using a wrong example (MK's) to support it. OTOH, I think in the absence of an arranged marriage, the victim has no one but herself to blame. In a similar situation in an arranged marriage, the parent family owes moral obligation to the victim and can be relied upon to give moral and emotional support, and also help financially.
MU has made an interesting point. What prevented MK from taking the accused to court ? I would have thought she would be the first person to drag him to court. Not only could she have won the case easily, but could have made an example of it. Some of our media channels would have gladly agreed to make a prolonged reality show of it.
59 D
Rajesh, Marriage is failing as an institution. Full Stop.
And the feminists are more hysterical about the reasons for its failure ( as evidenced here ). And prepared enough to make use of anti-male laws to extort at divorce. Plus, make ALL males SEEM abusive, so that they can get even more anti-male laws, perhaps.
Confused males may find this difficult to understand, but it is NOT 'abusive' or 'distrustful' relations that are failing. Let us not make it easier for the anti-males by over-simplifying things.
On the other hand, if there is a genuine case against her husband, why is Meena not taking legal action ( of which she can be assured of plenty of support, even jail )?
The answer lies in the fact that feminist engage in LIES, MYTHS AND STEREOTYPES. Hoping that through hysterical repitition, both sexes will believe them.
60D Rajesh,
I dont know if you are from India or out-of-touch.
The threat is the MISUSE of anti-male extortionist laws.
@MALE UNBLOCKED - there is no law which stops Meena's husband from speaking for himself if he is innocent. In fact, it is fair enough even if he found post marriage that he cant spend his life with her - he can separate in a civilised manner, or file for divorce - and put both of them out of the agony. But how can physical beatings, breach of privacy, emotional abuse etc be explained? Is this acceptable in any relationship between 2 people? irrespective of whether the victim is male or female?
@K.Suresh - I'm not saying that arranged marriages always fail or love marriages are always successful. I dont know Meena's circumstances. And human nature is complex - so there cant be any formulae. I'm saying if a person is out there making their living, being independent - it teaches them a lot about themselves and therefore what sort of person they are compatible with. Even then a lot of things can happen, one can get bored, maybe fall for someone else etc etc - but at least one can reduce the chance of walking blind into an abusive and distrustful relationship.
In a country where males are suffering with gender-casteist laws, there can only be ONE probable reason for Meenas husband not standing up to defend himself :
... THE THREAT OF MISUSE OF ANTI-MALE LAWS AGAINST HIM!
@Rajesh chary - "Maybe we need to encourage our children from an early age to make their own living, and also find friends. This will make them independent and responsible for the consequences of their actions."
I think MK fulfils the requirements you have set out - making her own living and finding friends, being independent. So do you hold her responsible for the consequences of her actions/decisions? I do not know for sure, but it is unlikely that MK had an arranged marriage. All your arguments against 'arranged marriage' flies in the face of MK's predicament.
Feminism is an abomination.
Feminists are a CURSE on society.
I'm not a sociology expert, but when I read about western cultures, I always find that the "couple decided to move in together" - presumably after a relationship which more often than not spans years. Meaning they get sufficient time to explore each others personality and decide whether they can live together at close proximity. In our culture, the girl moves into her husbands house. The hierarchy is established then and there. And if its an arranged marriage, then the likelihood that she hardly knows her husband or their family is many times higher. I would feel uncomfortable even visiting someone's house if I didnt know them well, but here we expect a girl to give up everything and walk into another home - often far from her birth home. It takes a lot of courage and faith to do that. And if the future home turns into a nightmare - then its indeed traumatic. What is the solution? what is the way forward? Do we continue to leave it to chance... Maybe as a culture we need to stop and think. Maybe its not such a bad idea for young people to go out together and truly understand what sort of person they'd like to spend their lives with - rather than be forced to get into a family arranged marriage where they have no say. Maybe we need to encourage our children from an early age to make their own living, and also find friends. This will make them independent and responsible for the consequences of their actions. They will also realise it is not easy to win trust of a stranger - they need to work for it and change their habits/thinking.
Unfair advantages:
Recently, in the stand off between lawyers and journalists in Bengaluru, public were fed 24x7 news about the attrocities lawyers heaped on journalists and the police. In public perception, lawyers were the 'demons' and journalists won round 1 since both print and electronic, the eyes-and-ears of the public, were controlled by them. Round 2 will be in the court, where lawyers may be expected to have the upper hand.
Here we read one side of a case, assume it is the TRUTH, the WHOLE truth and NOTHING BUT TRUTH, and go on persecuting the other party. MK may indeed be the victim as she has made out. But understand that, being a writer and columnist, she has an advantage in putting forth her side of the story to the public, a benefit not available to the 'accused'. In all fairness, while sympathies to MK are in order, demonisation of the man in her life should be put on hold.
I do agree, prima facie, if you take her word for it, she is wronged and deserve sympathies.
If what Meena Kandasaamy has written is her true story and not fiction, then it is indeed tragic that she suffered so much. Her husband should be shot and body hung fom the nearest lamp-post.
What is surprising is that such a fire-brand, acclaimed writer has quitely endured all this suffering and agreed to share passwords with her husband in the name of "love & trust".
I did a search on Google if there was any other info available on the net about this. I came across a twitter feed that said : twitter.com/meenakandasamy/statuses/113480814917984256 my husband and i bought a copy of vijay nagaswami's book on marriage--read thru, and decided we know better already!
Interestingly that comment is no longer available (I think it was initially posted in Sep 2011).
So was this real or fiction?
If a bold and beautiful being like you come to suffer like this from the beasts of patriarchy, what would be happening to ordinary, inarticulate multitudes of women? Your creative potential and those who like your poems would be with you to help tide over this crisis. As Osho reminds us there would be something beyoond this too.
You are right. I expected a spate of sympathetic responses so I took a clinical angle And the points you make are valid. By the way I am struck by the fact that many of these women enter new relationships which too, after a while, turn out to be absuive. Many, not all.
Im greatly saddned by the response of some comments that claim, its all fiction and women cry too much.The truth is women suffer without recognising it themselves in the hope of their dream of love coming true, thinking things will get better but unfortunately they never do. Simply because, it is a pattern and a cycle of victimization, the experience of truma, like a 10 min rape or a years of domestic violence in both cases its a question of being violated,loss of identity,being a no one and irrelevant.Negative comments reinforce that sense of non recognition.The article is very real as a victim I can tell for sure and I too did not come out because of no respect or dignity to victims, making it all the more painful.Remember the peretuator can be anyone even a person of position, power, education and law, including teaching law.
Your story has really touched my heart. There are times in this life when our words are all we have. I applaud your honesty, strength and courage. Keep writing, keep telling the truth, keep your chin up. The lighter your burden becomes, the higher and higher you will be able to soar.
And yes, if one sees the poisonous craps that Meena Kandasamy dishes out now and then, it is more likely that her husband is the one who needs help, support and sympathies.
The responses to this piece explain all that is wrong with the country today. Anyone with some brain will understand that this is a story, written in the first person. It is amusing to see the readers sympathizing with Meena!!
Can't they even differentiate between a story, fiction and statement? If this is the condition of the educated with internet access, one can only shudder at the intellect of the illeterates!! And, then we have the galls to call ourselves the next Superpower!!
Since, people do not bother to check before venting their shallow emotions, Meena Kandasamy works in UK. Even if this were her own story, the Indian Police cannot record her FIR, nor the Indian courts peruse her divorce filings. But, as I said, this just a story. But, it may be closely true for quite a few in our country. They are the ones who deserve justice, support and sympathies. not Meena.
Anwaar,
Based on your other comments, I would have expected more human rather than clinical response from you.
The apparent masochism of women involved in lasting abusive relationships is always something of an enigma.
>>Relationships are reflection of self, so harder to disown.
It takes two to make such a relationship. The hope of "he will change" lasts beyond any reasonable expectation of such an eventuality. Many such relationships have a much sadder ending than Meena suffered. She should be congratulated for getting out of her situation in good time.
>>I personally think she took too long.
Many such women have found group meetings of battered wives to be useful in the healing process.
>>In these days of social networking and blogs, it should be easy to find kindred souls.
Meena
First of all, kudos to you for writing this article, and with such detail. Anyone who reads this article, can have no doubt about the violence you experienced. It is even more important that you wrote this article, because of who you are.
Responses to your article make me cry. I simply cannot understand what it takes for some commentators here, that they can show contempt even when the abuse is as clear as daylight.
For those lecturing you on feminist values, I hope they realize the amount of courage it must have taken for you to write this article. You have stood up Meena, by writing this article.
It takes some understanding to know what it entails to love a man who espouses progressive radical thought but has roots in patriarchy. It takes some sensitivity to understand these contradictions of life. Through this article, you have actually given voice even to feminists, I feel.
I have my sympathies. there cannot be any excuse to treat anyone like that, leave alone a woman. be glad that the worst is behind you and start afresh. I hope you can gather enough evidence to bring the culprit to book.
My sympathy for the author, but little haze could have been cleared if other side of story was also there to read.
True, in a country like India many women still suffer a lot. But at the same time today women are President, Pilots, CEOs, Cops and everything you name.
Women are also human being just like men with all humane characteristics and emotions like intelligence, love, hate, jealous, anger and manipulation. We all know about those atrocities often women face in India.
But every coin has two sides,
Recently in the district of Sri Ganganagar and Hanumangarh of Rajasthan, police busted a gang of women who used honey trap for the men and later walked into Police station complaining the rape. And naturally all men were slapped with IPC 376 and thrown into jail. Once a man is in jail woman would ask huge money from the man to withdraw the case means turning hostile in the court. The gang was making easy money until their luck run out and police nabbed them.
In my nearby town I know a businessman who was newly married and his business was thriving like anything until life threw him into a strange and painful territory. His business opponents conspired against him and got trapped him in a ‘rape’ case through a woman who was employed by this man. He was sent into jail and after 7 months his bail was rejected by High court. He finally buckled into pressure and paid huge money to come out of this mess but not before spending 12 months in jail. The woman got only a little share of the money as bigger chunk went to his opponents. One can only imagine how much humiliation he and his family had to suffer.
In India law is one of easy way to settle your personal scores and enmity with a fabricated story which has no relation with reality.
In Hindi movie ‘Andha Kanoon’ the hero Amitabh Bachchan had to serve a life sentence for a murder he never committed. And ‘Andha Kanoon’ type stories get repeated at every corner of this country.
I am not being anti or pro here for anything but only would like to emphasis that many times truth lies somewhere between “is” and “is not” or even beyond that.
And yes, truth is relative to our stand point.
Why is the Hindu not asking for more stringent punishment for those who accuse of rape - since accusations are increasingly being made without fear of punishment in false cases? Is the tendency to pressurise the judiciary not tantamount to misandry?
The new anti-male gusto in both Outlook and The Hindu, does not bode well for truth and fair play in the Indian media.
Just to showcase the amount of unjust anti male venom in the media in general in India, here is The Hindu, bashing the JUDICIAL system, for finding no fault with the males, in 75% of rape cases!
( Instead of asking why the wrong accusers should not be penalised ) This is inspite of all the abuse that the accused rapists have to face personally and to their families from the media.
Outlook could've chosen a real Victim to cover this burning Social issue, than a self-proclaimed victim like this lady. She's that person who sells all brands of victimhoods of all probable identitites and groups one can be associated with.
Personal interest stories to convey a social issue is effective. But a Story of fiction with added Curry to it hardly works, especially when the real story comes out in open.
Story of a frustrated man:
It is a universal truth that women are notorious complainers, naggers and worrywarts.
They're never happy and always criticizing and finding fault with everything their husbands say and do, and worrying about everything no matter how small and insignificant it is. It's a wonder that the number of women killed by their husbands hasn't skyrocketed.
They have an insatiable need to be told they are loved, appreciated, attractive, THAT IS NEVER ENDING to the point of being pathological.
A man can work 40 years at his job and NEVER get a compliment from his boss, and it doesn't bother him, yet wives get upset if they don't get regular compliments from their husbands.
They're like a dog always wanting a pat on the head and being told they're "a good dog" for every little thing they do. And if they don't get it often enough they sulk, get moody, and start acting up like a little kid.
http://www.bestandworst.com/v/131538.htm
36 D Ramki,
Your words : "... irresponsible toilet paper stereotyping ...". I agree 100%.
I cant figure why you still prefer the 'Women relatives' version, rather than the men, or preferably the Man himself. Probably has to do with the negative stereotyping of males thats been going on for decades now.
BTW If what is narrated by Meena Kandaswamy is true, my full sympathies with her.
Having said that, I find that someone so argumentative, judgemental, obsessively ideological like MK would be trapped in such a relation. Given the kind of sanctimonious preachings and sweeping generalizations from MK and her writings, would she be so much naive to have been trapped into marrying someone who was essentially a double gaming crook (from what is described).
So journalistic ethics demands that Outlook should also get the other side of story - espically from the guy's women relations(mother/sister etc).
It is another thing that english MSM lack these journalistic ethics and rather prefer to be into irresponsible toilet paper stereotyping .
Abusive relations happen to both genders and not necessarily to women alone.Only difference is for women victimes, the abuse is physical and for men victims, the abuse takes other dimensions (psychological, financial, emotional etc etc)
It would be fair if Outlook also has a tale from a male on this. But then Outlook is our regular English MainStream Media where all victims belong to a particular gender, particular class/community and particular ideology.
Well, nothing new with this fact. Read about many stories of the women who went behind men who they thought was perfect and love and shit..... Their climaxes very much was this. I know alot of people who preach but don't follow rules in life. I don't blame a women or a man, but your moral values count. There are some women who just talk, but don't follow. I believe in listening two sides of a story.... What he did you have said it all well here, what you did, who knows ??? I have heard a million stories of men and women sleeping around with other people and act in front of their spouses as innocent and white feathered doves, but if you dig their closet, its a whole different story out there. Am not saying your case is false. But then, what goes around comes around. Just talk never helped anyone !! And just because you can talk, not everything can be taken up as true. Journalism is all about the truth, its not about dialouges.
"I live in a house of slamming doors and broken dreams" I am so glad you are safe Meena. You will take time for your emotions to settle, but thank goodness you are out of there. My dear friend lived with an abusive partner for 20 years. He murdered her on January 10th this year. Then he killed himself. She was his possession and she was, at last, wanting to leave. I wish you all the very best. Thank you for writing this piece. Women need to leave any situation like this and not look back - keep moving forward. There are very good men out there who treat women well. Every woman who wants a male partner deserves one of those. Those men of the patriarchy have to wake up and take responsibility for their behaviour and their lives.
"I live in a house of slamming doors and broken dreams"
I am so glad you are safe Meena. You will take time for your emotions to settle, but thank goodness you are out of there. My dear friend lived with an abusive partner for 20 years. He murdered her on January 10th this year. Then he killed himself. She was his possession and she was, at last, wanting to leave.
I wish you all the very best. Thank you for writing this piece. Women need to leave any situation like this and not look back - keep moving forward. There are very good men out there who treat women well. Every woman who wants a male partner deserves one of those. Those men of the patriarchy have to wake up and take responsibility for their behaviour and their lives.
31 D
"...not compartmentalising masculinity or femininity..."
One can argue that the reason why the female ALONE is allowed to write slander against her ex-husband, IS for compartmentalising males.
I had read Meena's poetry before but would now read with more rigour perhaps. It is not surprising to see that even a a woman having a public face of her own could go through such criminalities. It well depicts the limitation of gender consciousness (or that probably would be a tall claim...should I rather say that it is a conscious act of self-blinding to certain things?) among even the so called 'educated' section of the Indian population. Should we not rethink the whole idea of education in the Indian context where it serves no functional purpose at extending or expanding our, as some people have said here, 'humane' vision. It, nevertheless, comes as a conceptual relief to me that we are taliking about 'humans'/individuals here, not compartmentalising masculinity or femininity. We must realise that it's all operating within a network of power in which men have got the opportunity of exhibition. I remember such kinds of brutalities being unleashed on women working in the sophisticated IT sectors in Kolkata also. Their husbands too belong to the most creamy layers of our largely middle-class dominated society. This raises questions as to what purpose does education at all serves? Unfortunately, most self-selected feminists do not pay any attention to these contesting issues, thereby paving no way for a more or less discrimination-free society. But it's we who have to help ourselves out, no matter which gender identity we belong to because society doesn't consist only of men or vice-versa. After writing this perhaps I will go back to Meena's poetry again. But beleive me Meena, I will try my best not to recount the personal accounts of yours while reading them because that might just belittle your poetic brilliance.
28D
'Empathising women' is very different from being anti-male.
Males are not known for venting their frustrations with a failed marriage and foul-mouthing his ex-wife ( she slept with him, cheated on me, asked me to perform faster....etc..etc...) in public.
This should not be a licence for anti-males to stereotype males.
The media NEVER gives space to males to tell their version of the story. Males should be given a chance to air their side of the story too.
I am sure you will investigate thoroughly when it happens to a woman from your family. Here the lady is giving a path to be chosen for women who are being tortured. And the fact that you chose to associate a woman with 'curvaceous looks' shows how chauvinist you are. There is no point in arguing with you and I am sure you will stay here to give a reply to anyone who choose to empathize women. Good luck!
26 D
"...where women in bars get beaten up..."
Classic anti-male stereotyping, thanks to people like Meena herself.
It is shocking that this could happen to Meena Kandasamy, who is as articulate and fierce a fighter for the rights of women and the oppressed as anyone who has written in these pages.
There is a hint of who the husband is - a communist academic in a rainy, coastal town outside Tamilnadu, where women in bars get beaten up. The fact that he is a communist academic suggests that he was a fellow-traveler of Meena Kandasamy in the fight for freedoms and against institutional oppressions. I guess his commitment to those freedoms was, well, academic. How unfortunate for Ms. Kandasamy that she had to find this out the hard way.
24 D
The sisterhood is KNOWN for closing ranks.
I am sure that the fact you have shared your story Meena will give other women the strength to stand up and speak up in similar circumstances. As for the other comments on the story unfortunately violence against women is more prevalent than that against men. There is no other side that can explain physical or emotional violence. Thank you for sharing Meena and I wish you peace of mind and spirit
22 D
It is important to know the opposition version in ANY event, but ESPECIALLY in a family situation, where emotions are high, where the complainant is a journalist and a feminist leader to boot. Media Brainwashing and curvaceous looks should not make us unintelligent too.
MALE UNBLOCKED, so what exactly will be the male evrsion? A justification for all the tortures? Why can't you look at this issue as an injustice done to a fellow human being rather than bringing in all this chauvinism?
Meena, the fact that you have opened up in public shows you are getting over it. You also have a loving family to support you all throughout. Kudos to you!
20 D
Its even more disheartening that misandrists dont even as much as acknowledge that the male version of events MIGHT exist. And that the media gives full and free space to family misunderstandings in order to create a certain paranoia against the males.
What a chilling and moving story providing glimpses of a physically and psychologically abusive marriage, which many women trapped in violent relationships will no doubt relate to and, maybe, draw strength from. Few women would be able to summon up the confidence and courage to go public with such an experience -- and it's all the more brave of Meena Kandasamy to do so since she's a reputed public figure.
Ref. some of the other comments I see here, it's disheartening to see that some people can't get past their misogyny to respond as human beings to the pain of a fellow human.
18 D
Looks like at least you, for one, are going to be happy being caught sleeping with the enemy :)
Male Unblocked,
>> "WAKE UP, MALES! SPEAK UP!"
“The battle of the sexes will never be won, there is too much fraternizing with the enemy.” - Andrew Schwartzmeyer
15 D
Divorces are sky-rocketting, and no one cause can be the absolute reason, except perhaps, that monogamy was perhaps NEVER really physiological. Males need marriage for sex, and females figure this to give them 'security' ( read 'money')
The feminists, however, have taken to finding fault with the males and using this propaganda to find favourable extortionist laws to take advantage of, at divorce.
In a 'climate', where males are usually the richer ones, one of the possible contenders for reasons for divorce in India ( considering that 75% are initiated by the women ), is the extortionist cum legal terrorism, that comes to play against the male in a divorce. ( Combined with favourable anti-male media coverage, as evidenced in this article )
>> "If this can happen to a celebrity..."
This looks like a fiction, not an autobiography.
From my experience amongst the middle and upper class, particularly in urban areas, I have seen more instances where the women have abused the anti-dowry laws to put their in-laws in 'place'. Amongst the lower class, particularly in the rural areas, atrocities on the women are indeed prevalent and need to be addressed. This is an obvious over-simplification, but to say that women are always - or, even usually - at the receiving end, is incorrect.
What makes the situation (extremely) unfavourable for the ladies is the fact that they have nowhere to go except back to their parents. And, this can be the biggest hurdle for them to cross.
MALES do not have a propensity to foul-mouth their ex-wives ( and their intimate sexual secrets ) in public after their divorce.
While the media laps up any innuendo/propaganda spread by venomous feminists, since they are read by both feminists and gawkers ( like Anwaar ).
Makes one wonder if these anti-male Gurus teach propaganda writing for would-be divorcees, at their regular feminist meets.
MALES ( even curvaceous ones ) do not have the propensity ( villainy ) to bad-mouth their ex-wives, especially the foul-mouthing of intimate shared sex secrets in public, that anti-males like Meena have.
Makes you wonder if Outlook shares these extreme anti-male attitudes. Or whether these anti-males teach propaganda in magazines in their feminist meetings.
Feminist crap.
Damn, you sound just like my ex wife. India, we have another Kamala Das in making.
Women writers are whores. Your husband sounds like a fine gentleman, just like me. I hope you go back to him immediately.
Outlook should show some non partisanship here and let her husband too vent his anger.
I am sure, writing this must have taken a lot more courage than her other writings. That this can happen to someone as bold and assertive as Meena Kandasamy is really jarring, and thows open the question of how many women are facing this. In the end, I am sure this experience will make her even more stronger and lend her much needed voice to the voiceless.
if this account is true, sorry to hear this..
The apparent masochism of women involved in lasting abusive relationships is always something of an enigma. It takes two to make such a relationship. The hope of "he will change" lasts beyond any reasonable expectation of such an eventuality. Many such relationships have a much sadder ending than Meena suffered. She should be congratulated for getting out of her situation in good time. Many such women have found group meetings of battered wives to be useful in the healing process.
Meena kandasamy...it was pathetic story ...behind your smiles...i'm shocked with this story...I met u last week in university of hyderabad..in a talk which you delivered here..on 28th feb...and ur not alone we are all with you..and last word.....Life has no rewinds n forwards. It unfolds itself at its own pace. So never miss a chance to live today to make a beautiful story...keep going...
The author is among the boldest articulate women I have come across. If this can happen to a celebrity, Imagine the millions of women who suffer in silence in a cruel relationship.
Though I always hated you for the kind of stories you wrote this one really hit me. You have shown the guts by writing the story, now you name that loser. Tough times never last, tough people do.
Just start building your life .You will forget the brute once immersed in work though scars will never leave but are faded with passage of time.Life is short .You have already wasted some years and now waste the remaining in remembering the past.
Sun sets every night .Next day it arises with brilliant light .
How do these nice, brave women always manage to end up with the wrong men?? Guess, under the feminist facade they too long for fairy tale love stories. Even more surpirsing for me is that you(and my mother too) tried to put up with them after seeing what they've done and hearing their lame excuses! I can never understand why do they do it.
If this happens to brave women(or women who try to be brave) who can think, I can't imagine the fate of naive women souls around us. God(or whoever) help them.
Hmm. I can't but wonder in awe at the irony of the fate of the girl who champions the struggle against caste oppression should face such brutal oppression from her own husband. Fate can be so dramatic sometimes.
Meena Kandasamy,I raed the above story.Very pathitical.As a Human being I want to tell that our society is destroyed.Which u have faced in your marriage life I have recently faced in my loveaffair with a woman.Actually all are sceptics, it may be Man or Woman.I love your writing,speech.You are not alone.We are all with u.I also believe, Live alone is freedom,and it is better option.