This secret diary I write after 15 years. Fifteen years no films, no diary. Now one film, so diary. Also secret diary, no show even to Boney. Secret is secret, write not in English but Vinglish. Now I am a hit film, so happy, Boney is happy, Jahnavi is happy. India is happy. Balki said success mine, I seek copyright for film. Ha, why only copyright? Will apply for ‘filter kaapi right’.
Vinglish film hit film. One critic said if he saw two films this year it means he watched Vinglish twice. A good critic, not easy to find. Can give life-long free passes for him and family. But I not happy, one hit film too many copycats. Everyone wants same kind of film. Sent me scripts ‘Hindi Vindi’, ‘Kannada Vannada’, ‘Telugu Velugu’, ‘Bengali Vengali’, and more. One Sridevi to make so many such films? Chaalbaaz, two Sridevis Vinglish movies? Twenty roles, ha, steal formula from Mr India, invisible and disappear. Kamalahaasan suggested new version of Chaalbaaz, he play two girls, I play Vinglish speaking cabbie. No big deal, told him off.
Many questions to answer. Vinglish permanent comeback? Daughters in films? What about Mr India II? Competition tough, RGV making same film, formula adulterated by villain (played by Amitabh) and those who touched it turned into dogs. Ugh, Amitji ignore such roles but learnt already rehearsing barks for the movie! Dog eat dog competition in Bollywood. My Mr India sequel, bad guy Mogambo conquered only by heroine who can let loose a torrent of Vinglish!
Changes in 15 years? For heroes, no acting. Only muscles and empty heads. For women, little acting, no clothes. TV same, watched dance show, Jhalak Dikhla Ja, almost nude dancing or jumping around, doing gymnastics. Gosh, old rival Madhuri a judge! What a fall! Why leave US, drag a successful handsome doctor hubby to dirty Mumbai and compete for movie roles?
Rat Race would be ideal Bollywood movie? No, no movies for daughters, whatever Boney says. Look at Esha. Star parents, yes, but made more flop movies than even Abhishek B, then got married. Good lesson. Will take daughters’ horoscopes, go to Matunga, consult leading vadhyars and settle marriages typical south Indian style. No, Boney, sorry, no Dilwale dulhaniya kind of Punju wedding for daughters.
Good news to end secret diary. Just signed Hindi-Vindi version of Chaalbaaz. Anju will speak English, Manju Vinglish. Location shooting in Stratford-upon-Avon, Lake district, Daffodil land. Made for international market, world release and so on. Also an intellectual TV serial with Aamir Khan probing our social conscience on issue of downtrodden rural masses. Phew!
The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com
Thank you to all those who have taken the trouble to read the article and share their thoughts. Out of the arguments made here, there are two that perhaps need answering. So here they go.
1. The first part of the article compares outcomes (relative percentages of population of the religions concerned) irrespective of the process that led to those outcomes - whether immigration, relatively faster population growth or conversions. This was for two reasons. One, to put the figure of 2.3 per cent in "numerical perspective", as the article itself explained. The second reason was that outcomes are ultimately what the crux of debate is about. The rest of the article in any case dealt with process - or conversions in this case, from both a contemporary and historical perspective.
2. Some commenters have tried to cast doubts on the reliability of Census 2001. Those who do this should bear in mind that Census 2001 was conducted by a BJP government. Considering the extreme importance that BJP gives to this issue, it would be reasonable to expect that IF it had perceived a problem with the methodology that was distorting the numbers, it would have fixed it. As the article mentioned, BJP or BJP-supported governments have been in power for 10 of the last 40 years, or about a quarter of the time, and the only reasonable conclusion one can arrive at is that any misreporting of numbers, real or perceived, would be marginal and hence, not of importance.
To all other arguments made, my answer is the following: Please read the article again, with particular focus on the quotations of Vivekananda and Monier Williams, and the history of the missionary efforts in Bengal and their outcome.
The only thing 'laughable' about this piece, is the amusing 'Tamlish' used by the author.
Which is a shame, since it seeks to poke fun at a certain people in general.
Other than that, will the author not get trapped in the feminist propaganda, and kindly note that the gender equivalent of a 'hero' in the other sex is 'heroine' ( and not 'hero') ?
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