This diary is so secret that it is written in secret ink. I can only reveal that the ink is self-produced and was once used by James Bond in one of his adventures. So I am in good company. You must be reading a lot about my adventure at the Shoosh nightclub, but a lot of that is crap. As one great English spinner said, there are different angles to this incident. First, I play for Sussex county club. Along with Essex and Middlesex, this is not a good name. The incident, I assure you, would not have happened had I been playing for Northamptonshire, Worcestershire or Leicestershire. These are nice, safe, respectable names unlike those with an element of sex. Now, I am just a rabbit among batsmen, coming in at No. 11. Yet pace bowlers target me with bouncers. This is not fair, it makes me very angry. That night, someone pointed me out to the Shoosh club bouncers. My blood began to boil, I couldn’t control myself. Shouldn’t I take revenge? I unzipped, and whoosh it went down at the Shoosh bouncers. I tell you, it was a very satisfying moment, like beating India in India.
But since I am on the topic, there are other reasons for my frustration. Why am I not playing for England in the Ashes series? That Swannie is okay but don’t forget our pacers are taking more wickets and the Aussies dread a slow, left-arm spinner more than a routine offie. This injustice rankles my guts, making me again rush to the loo. Mind you, what I did there was nothing alarming; Brighton clubs are geared for this kind of behaviour. Even P.G. Wodehouse’s Drones Club members led by Bertie Wooster and Gussie Finknottle did much worse things when they came to Brighton. But then the Sussex committee members, I don’t think, ever read Wodehouse!
Sorry also that the ECB cricket authorities are such prigs. The Aussies are more tolerant. Opener David Warner punches out our batter Joe Root but no one made a big fuss, Warner went off for a couple of weeks to South Africa where he regained his form playing for Australia A, came back and scored well in the Durham Test. Fact is, a bar brawl is often good, helps cricketers let off steam. In my case, I let off something more but mind you, no one was injured. When will people learn that peeing on bouncers is just traditional fun, like stealing policemen’s helmets on the night of the Oxford vs Cambridge boat race?
And what now? Hopefully, I should be in the team for the return Ashes series Down Under next October. Come on, our own Prince Harry runs around naked in nightclubs and no one bothers. But I am preparing for an alternative career too. Some friends from Mumbai asked me to come to the city, meet state deputy CM Ajit Pawar, who encourages public peeing to augment water supply in dams.
The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com
Gangadhar likes poking fun ( only ) at males so much, that one wonders : is he gay?
Leave cricket, Gangadhar, players started 'peeing' there.
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