The Secret Service is not what it used to be, for now there is no 00 Section. But habits die hard and hence I write this diary in invisible ink. When Ms Moneypenny telephoned that ‘M’ wanted to see me urgently on a matter of national importance, I was excited. Assignments have withered, my last one was the theft of quails’ eggs from Lincolnshire forest. But ‘M’ was cryptic. “Go to Buckingham Palace,” he ordered, “Her Majesty is waiting for you.”
Wow!...40 years back I was On Her Majesty’s Secret Service to flush out arch villain Blofeld from his Swiss hideout. My heart was beating fast when I met Her Majesty at the palace and flew in a helicopter to the Olympics inaugural ceremony. The trouble was that I had no briefing. What was I supposed to do? Was the Queen in some danger? Why hadn’t ‘M’ told me anything? But we in the 00 section know how to act to find out the truth. Deciding to investigate, I approached the Russian delegation which was getting ready for the march past. After the Cold War, there were reports about the disbanding of the dreaded SMERSH which caused me so much trouble in From Russia With Love. During those days, every Russian knew who Bond was but today at the Olympics no one bothered me and there were no raised eyebrows when I casually let slip the word SMERSH. Obviously, the Russians were not planning anything against Her Majesty.
But we in the 00 Section are not so easily defeated. If the danger was not from Russia, it could be from one of the smaller nations. There was tremendous excitement in Jamaica over Usain Bolt’s running. Then I remembered, Jamaica was a dangerous place where I had encountered Dr No and the dangerous Scaramanga who killed people with a golden gun. Scaramanga also had a third nipple. Since the Jamaican runners wore loose T shirts, it was not difficult to check this one out. Unfortunately, there was no one with a third nipple.
By now I was getting desperate. If there was anyone planning to harm Her Majesty where was he/she? The answer came in a flash. The Indian camp was agitated over the sudden appearance of a woman, dressed in jeans, who was merrily marching with their delegation. Everyone looked at her, no one said anything. My heart began to beat fast. How did the killer penetrate the Indian delegation? We all knew that the Indian security system was useless, but this was too much. I had to trap her and question her, even if that meant making love to her. Was this another Vesper Lynd? I straightened my tie, brushed my hair and approached her wondering if a lavish meal of Butter Chicken and Tandoori roti would soften her up. But by that time, Indian officials had surrounded her and it was made known she was part of Danny Boyle’s dancers. Now I was really tired and needed a drink. And her Majesty had flown back to the palace. All’s well that ended well.
The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com
Please try harder if you are trying to make us laugh ( as the section heading suggests you are )
No one can beat Bond.No, not even with humour.
We at Outlookindia.com welcome feedback and your comments, including scathing criticism
1. Scathing, passionate, even angry critiques are welcome, but please do not indulge in abuse and invective. Our Primary concern is to keep the debate civil. We urge our users to try and express their disagreements without being disagreeable. Personal attacks are not welcome. No ad hominem please.
2. Please do not post the same message again and again in the same or different threads
3. Please keep your responses confined to the subject matter of the article you are responding to. Please note that our comments section is not a general free-for-all but for feedback to articles/blogs posted on the site
4. Our endeavour is to keep these forums unmoderated and unexpurgated. But if any of the above three conditions are violated, we reserve the right to delete any comment that we deem objectionable and also to withdraw posting privileges from the abuser. Please also note that hate-speech is punishable by law and in extreme circumstances, we may be forced to take legal action by tracing the IP addresses of the poster.
5. If someone is being abusive or personal, or generally being a troll or a flame-baiter, please do not descend to their level. The best response to such posters is to ignore them and send us a message at Mail AT outlookindia DOT com with the subject header COMPLAINT
6. Please do not copy and paste copyrighted material. If you do think that an article elsewhere has relevance to the point you wish to make, please only quote what is considered fair-use and provide a link to the article under question.
7. There is no particular outlookindia.com line on any subject. The views expressed in our opinion section are those of the author concerned and not that of all of outlookindia.com or all its authors.
8. Please also note that you are solely responsible for the comments posted by you on the site. The comments could be deleted or edited entirely at our discretion if we find them objectionable. However, the mere fact of their existence on our site does not mean that we necessarily approve of their contents. In short, the onus of responsibility for the comments remains solely with the authors thereof. Outlookindia.com or any of its group publications, may, however, retains the right to publish any of these comments, with or without editing, in any medium whatsoever. It is therefore in your own interest to be careful before posting.
9.Outlookindia.com is not responsible in any manner whatsoever for how any search engine -- such as Google, Bing etc -- caches or displays these comments. Please note that you are solely responsible for posting these comments and it is a privilege being granted to our registered users which can be withdrawn in case of abuse. To reiterate:
a. Comments once posted can only be deleted at the discretion of outlookindia.com
b. The comments reflect the views of the authors and not of outlookindia.com
c. outlookindia.com is not responsible in any manner whatsoever for the way search engines cache or display these comments
d. Please therefore take due caution before you post any comments as your words could potentially be used against you
10. We have an online thread for our comments policy:
You are welcome to post your suggestions here or in case you have a specific issue, to directly email us at Mail AT outlookindia DOT com with the subject header COMPLAINT