"When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner" — Conan O'Brien

"Saddam's daughter defended him, saying the U.S. must have drugged or gassed him. Otherwise, he never would have surrendered. Let me tell you something, the guy was living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars bars, and living in a tiny hole. I think he gassed himself." — Jay Leno

"President Bush said today that when he was told Saddam Hussein had been captured he was up at Camp David reading a book. I don't know what's the bigger shock, capturing Saddam or finding out Bush was reading a book." — Jay Leno

"Saddam was found cowering in his little hole in the ground. Supposedly, his goal was to remain in hiding until all the shooting stopped. Well, hey, it worked for the French." — Jay Leno

"Are you folks still excited about Saddam Hussein's capture? It's not every day you get to pull a world leader out of a hole. And now they're saying that it looks like Saddam Hussein may be responsible for the murder of 1 million people. But he's being silly about it. He's blaming the whole thing on his addiction to pain killers." — David Letterman

"Few men in history have racked up a more horrific record of human rights abuses than Iraqi dictator and filthy hippie Saddam Hussein. But who should hold him in judgement? On Monday, President Bush argued for the tyrant to be tried by his countrymen in a process the world would respect. [airs clip of Pres. Bush: "We will work with the Iraqis to develop a way to try him that will stand international scrutiny. I guess that's the best way to put it."] You know, he can't even say international scrutiny without getting nauseous. ... President Bush went on to make it clear that he wasn't out for vigilante justice. [Bush: "Of course, I have my own personal views on how he ought to be treated. But I'm not an Iraqi citizen."] He added, 'Look, I'm just the guy who invaded the country, destroyed their army and had Saddam arrested at gun point. It's not my call.'" — Jon Stewart

"According to CNN, before the soldiers pulled him out of the hole, Saddam yelled 'I'm willing to negotiate.' I'm no expert on the art of the deal, but when you're in a hole with 600 soldiers around, what is your bargaining chip?" — Jay Leno

"When they found Saddam he had 750,000 in cash, a pistol and two AK-47's. They now believe he was trying to start a new career as a rap star." — Jay Leno

"During his interrogation, Hussein was asked about weapons of mass destruction. He said the U.S. dreamed them up as a reason to go to war with us — and Howard Dean said 'Hey, that's my line!'" — Jay Leno

"Officials say that when they tried to interview Saddam Hussein he was smug, curt and often sarcastic. Later, Saddam apologized and said he was just doing his impression of Donald Rumsfeld." — Conan O'Brien

"It wasn't just a hole, he had a hole adjacent to a hut. He had unopened packages of underwear, guns, a can of 7-UP, and the Paris Hilton video." — David Letterman

"They found several pairs of Saddam's boxer shorts in the hut and, by the way, that is the closest we have come to finding weapons of mass destruction." — David Letterman

"Mr. big shot Saddam Hussein came out of the hole with his hands up. Hell, Winona Ryder put up more of a fight.." — David Letterman

"I'm watching the clip of Saddam Hussein with the big beard and the whole thing and this might be a long shot in terms of theories are concerned — but is it possible that in the nine months he was on the run, he was actually studying to become a rabbi?" — Jon Stewart

"Everybody is in the holiday spirit — Saddam Hussein hung mistletoe over his ass to kiss it goodbye." — Craig Kilborn

"Political leaders weighing in about Saddam's hole in the ground — conservatives wondered if there were any other holes out there, liberals say it's a miracle we found it and Bill Clinton said 'Is it big enough to have sex in?'" — Craig Kilborn

"Everyone's still buzzing about the capture of Saddam Hussein. It was reported that Saddam was found in a six foot by eight foot hole that was littered with garbage and infested with mice and spiders. Experts say an apartment like that in New York would cost three thousand dollars a month." — Conan O'Brien

"One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for flees on FOX News." — David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein just gave himself up. I mean hell, Michael Jackson put up more of a fight." — David Letterman

"I guess by now, you all saw that hole in the ground that Saddam was hiding in. Here's my question: Why did we take him out of it? Why not just fill it in?" — Jay Leno

"It's ironic that they found him in a hole since the term A-hole has been used to describe him so many times." — Jay Leno

"When they found him Dick Cheney wanted to know how big the hole was and whether or not there was oil in it." — Jay Leno

"They took a DNA sample from him — that's gotta be humiliating. One day your the president of the entire country, the next your being forced to give a DNA sample. And Clinton said 'tell me about it!'" — Jay Leno

"At the time of the capture he had $750,000 in cash on him. They think he was trying to buy three gallons of gas from Halliburton ... $750,000 — you know what that means? He is now eligible for the Bush tax cut!" — Jay Leno

"Reaction coming in from all over the world to Saddam Hussein's capture. The British government praised the United States, the Spanish government said it was a great day, and the French government praised Saddam for the way he surrendered — 'We couldn't have done it quicker ourselves!" — Jay Leno

"When he was captured, he was surrounded by the only nine remaining people who didn't want him caught — the Democratic presidential candidates." — Jay Leno

"U.S. forces ended their epic search for the fugitive former dictator of Iraq Saddam Hussein, finding and capturing him in a sweep dubbed 'Operation Red Dawn,' continuing the Army's noble tradition of naming operations after Patrick Swayze movies." — Jon Stewart

"In footage that's already loosing shock value, doctors checked Saddam for lice and pronounced him a member of the Need a Bath party." — Jon Stewart

"The individual who gave the tip leading to Husein's capture gets a $25 million award. Surprisingly, the man's name is Hal Halliburton." — Craig Kilborn

"We have captured Saddam Hussein. President Bush said those two words that strike fear in the heart of every Californian — fair trial." — Craig Kilborn

"Saddam Hussein got a full medical exam and treatment. How does it feel knowing the Butcher of Baghdad got a flu shot before you?" — Craig Kilborn

Saddam was captured and living in a hole — a six-by-eight hole for ventilation. Here in New York City we call that the subway."  — David Letterman

"He was dirty, he had not bathed, he had a full scraggly frightening-looking beard, he had a bag full of cash, he was carrying a pistol, he had several un-opened packages of underwear — it's like I have a twin!" — David Letterman